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Where Did You Come From LadyElizabeth Tan♥ |
posted on Friday, December 26, 2008it's one day after christmas,one day less till the new year and one week and one day since she's been gone. and sometimes i wonder if it shows. can those people i didn't tell see through me? yet for some strange reason, i don't care anymore. i don't care if they know it hurts because it obviously does and they know, they know that everytime they ask if i'm okay they know that i'm going to have to lie to them and they already know the answer of course i'm okay. ouch, okay stop. stop. stop. i need to start being rational. and i'm starting to think i shouldn't have made certain promises that i'm haveing trouble keeping. even though they honestly shouldn't be a problem but at the end of the day, she's gone. there's not a chance in this world that she could come back but i still yearn. wouldn't you? i know it's selfish and mean but it hurts and i thought i was going to scream when her pulse stopped. like my insides were about to tie themselves into a huge knot around my heart and suffocate it. sometimes i think that's what happened. because i was afraid. and in a way, that was good. because when you're scared, it means you've got something to lose. it means, you've got something worth fighting for. but once you've lost what you held so close, suddenly everything else doesn't realy matter, does it? and that's why you become reckless and blank. that's why you become useless and you repell every single thought in a desperate attempt to keep your mind blank. it feels a lot better, honestly. because if you remembered, you know that your heart will feel as though it's been ripped apart savagely, leaving a huge gaping hole in the centre of your chest. but if you didn't remember, you'd forget. you'd never want to forget, would you? like, bella. and it's no exaggeration when she has to clutch her chest, gasping for breath everytime she thinks of edward and feels the pain. no, it actually does happen in reality. but your mind is so blank that the fact that your breathing is loud enough to be heard from the next room just can't seem to register. and it hurts. it will always hurt. but if there was a way to hurt and not let your loved one in heaven know about the pain, to just let them know that you love them very much, i'd chose that. Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die. mary fyre. this was printed in the funeral booklet. and it seems very apt, strangely. |
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