posted on Friday, July 20, 2007
dreams come true, believe it! that's what she told me that's when i cried. sorry jaime dear, but i can't help crying i just really want to be happy for you. but i can't.
because i'm not the girl they want me to be. i can't be the girl they want me to be. and they're trying to limit me. and i keep thinking it's God's will but i'm starting to doubt that. why should i let them tell me i can't do it. why should i let their opinions get in the way of how i live my life? it's my life damnit. so stop making it look like yours. i'm so damn tired of being controlled by you. i want to live my own life. away from them away from all those terrible things they said away from all the hurtful things they did away from this oppression. she doesn't even know what a youth rally is. so who's she to tell me i can't go? at least they know what their talking about. they don't spout stuff from books. maybe that's why she tries to control me. cause she doesn't know anything and she doesn't want be to be different. well i don't want to be one of your damned communist ideas! so just stop ruining my life with all your crap already! you know that i can't sleep well at night still? ever since i was young i thought you hated me and was scared tha tyou were going to dump me alone? now, i'd wish you'd do that. because i can't take it anymore. i just want to get away from here. far far away. at least those nyc people know what it's like to feel that God's abandoned them to feel that God isn't right for the first time. they understand that feeling. and you don't know a damn thing do you? i really wish you'd just burn in hell right now.
19 july!
posted on Thursday, July 19, 2007
i still can't believe it! my group won 2nd in the 'wonders of science" poster competition! whoohoo! thanks to our darling clara! haha! some of the presentations were so boring we slept through them. and we were such pigs! taking so much chocolate and marshmellows. beatrice's group won 1st for poster! YEAH! and the guy said: WELL DONE CHIJ! and i was like, jumping and screaming: "yes!yes!yes! they won! they won! ahhh! oh my gosh!" the funniest part was that when we didn't win 3rd, i thought there was no hope. but i couldn't even remember our group's name at that time! and then... the second prize winner is... LIVING WATER..! and i started screaming. i seriously couldn't help but be shocked. I LOVE YOU CLARA! yeaps! today was a beautiful day Lord. thank you for all those angels you sent to me!
there was a group of NYC people who came down to our school to perform today! they were sort of like this youth group, in which they dance and sing praise and worship songs. it rocked! they were so cool! :D but we had to leave halfway so we didn't really see all of it. :(( but what they said really made sense. don't let any one limit you. and it's His air we breathe, it's His world we live in. He created us! have you ever thought of what that means? no, i meant really sat down and though about it and all the things he did for us? if you really did, you would cry. because this past year has been real hard. the hardest so far. and so many things happened and they happened so fast. there was actually a time when i whispered to God:
" Dear Lord, things really aren't working out for me now. these past few weeks has been just crap. please let today be better. "
and that day was a wednesday. it was during cat class in school which was right after morning assembly. and after recess, BAM. it was a miracle and i almost cried. mrs alex came looking for me and told me i won the commonwealth thing. i was so damn happy and the first thing i thought about was cat class. and i wanted to cry. i was so shaken i couldn't say anything to mrs alex. i just stared. great wasn't it?
there was another time beforewhen i was in church and it struck me real hard suddenly: what if God doesn't exist. how the hell do you know that this is real? look at your life. after p5, when you chose to be more spiritual, where was he? you life just went downhill from there didn't it? where was he when all those things happened to you? then i prayed:
"dear Lord, if you really exist prove it to me"
and less than a week later, i broke down crying in church. all i did was look up at the altar and i began to cry. because i knew, and i was just so sure, that he was real. that he was there. that he has always been, is, and will be there.
sorry
posted on Friday, July 13, 2007
sorry twoone. i didn't mean to scream at yall today. i was just angry over something else.
i shouldn't have brought my own personal rage over other matters into class. i know the whole bloody thing is so disorganised. but i need time to sort other things out before it falls apart. i know this sucks. but i would tell you people so much if i could. but right now, it's getting harder and harder to breathe.
if you knew what would you do?
sometimes i wish i could tell you people everything. but i'm afraid. scared of what you'll think scared of what you'll do. and i don't want to be judged. no, please, not any more. because there's just way too much fear in me. and i'm taking it out on you. sorry.
cause i don't know how to be fine when i'm not.
HOME
posted on Sunday, July 08, 2007
:) hillh and me were singing "home" like crazy yesterday!
been quite a long time eh?
super long post?
we'll see.
firstly,
i passed my FA cert! whoo!
clara, i can't believe you still.
but it's ok,
if it's your choice, then so be it.
congrats to everyone else who passed.
next is farewell camp.
it rocked.
we played the knight cavalier and damsel game!
i partnered gayathiri.
haha.
everytime they yelled damsel i practically jumped on her!
sorry! i know i'm heavy!
ahh, the one when we rolled on the ground hurt like hell!
and the haha game was not funny mann.
heh. maybe it was a little? i have a bruise the size of a tennis ball
:D
but i came home bruised, beaten, tired, stuffed full of bread and confused.
plus SAD :'(
REAL SAD.
goodbye to ma'ams. hello new ma'ams.
it's gonna take quite a lot of time to get used to calling them ma'ams.
and it's gonna take some time to get used to their absence, and we're gonna miss 'em.
this year's farewell camp was funn!
the food was nicee!
whoo.
our skit wasn't such a success as we planned it to be.
neither was our persent because we couldn't finish it on time.
but we made it.
and i hope they liked it.
ma'ams time was disgusting!
haha. this year's was much better than last year's.
i guess it's cause we knew them better.
sighs. cried a bit.
will miss the ma'ams a lot. but congrats to the new comm anyway.
:D
posted on Monday, July 02, 2007
heh i guess i didn't really blog about my holidays. either than church camp was fun! i guess training camp was ok? and i'm still singing the dip song. haha. mass on saturday was fun. when bridgette, celeste, crystal, beatrice, melissa, judith, mao, shannen and me squashed ourselves into half a row of seats and we almost died! haha. it was fun.
hell. don't tell me your stressed man. you haven't seen anything. and stop thinking your damn great and know what's best because you don't know half of it. so stop prying into our secrets and our lives like you have the right to. becauses you don't. and don't think you can backstab me. cause i know. i know all the things you said. and you'd just better watch out. because i can always find ways. so stop your arrogance and plain stupidity already. it's making me puke blood now.
heh. sorry. emo-ness. heh. i realised steph from rc has a blog! slow right? haha. i just went to visit it mann. it sure had hell a lot of comments. but sorry folks! it's only for the 7 of us! SEVEN hillh, not 6. we'll tell her some other time. and it's gonna be between the 6 of us exclusively! right? lol. i have nevere seen so much back stabbing happen within less than 6 hours. it was madness. and i think she's seriously desperate now. both of them are. oh wells. what to do? hai
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