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Where Did You Come From LadyElizabeth Tan♥ |
posted on Friday, December 26, 2008it's one day after christmas,one day less till the new year and one week and one day since she's been gone. and sometimes i wonder if it shows. can those people i didn't tell see through me? yet for some strange reason, i don't care anymore. i don't care if they know it hurts because it obviously does and they know, they know that everytime they ask if i'm okay they know that i'm going to have to lie to them and they already know the answer of course i'm okay. ouch, okay stop. stop. stop. i need to start being rational. and i'm starting to think i shouldn't have made certain promises that i'm haveing trouble keeping. even though they honestly shouldn't be a problem but at the end of the day, she's gone. there's not a chance in this world that she could come back but i still yearn. wouldn't you? i know it's selfish and mean but it hurts and i thought i was going to scream when her pulse stopped. like my insides were about to tie themselves into a huge knot around my heart and suffocate it. sometimes i think that's what happened. because i was afraid. and in a way, that was good. because when you're scared, it means you've got something to lose. it means, you've got something worth fighting for. but once you've lost what you held so close, suddenly everything else doesn't realy matter, does it? and that's why you become reckless and blank. that's why you become useless and you repell every single thought in a desperate attempt to keep your mind blank. it feels a lot better, honestly. because if you remembered, you know that your heart will feel as though it's been ripped apart savagely, leaving a huge gaping hole in the centre of your chest. but if you didn't remember, you'd forget. you'd never want to forget, would you? like, bella. and it's no exaggeration when she has to clutch her chest, gasping for breath everytime she thinks of edward and feels the pain. no, it actually does happen in reality. but your mind is so blank that the fact that your breathing is loud enough to be heard from the next room just can't seem to register. and it hurts. it will always hurt. but if there was a way to hurt and not let your loved one in heaven know about the pain, to just let them know that you love them very much, i'd chose that. Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die. mary fyre. this was printed in the funeral booklet. and it seems very apt, strangely. posted on Monday, December 22, 2008today was peaceful.but it still hurts, of course damnit. i'm human. but it's okay to be hurt, it's okay to cry. even if your hands are shaking even if your heart is broken posted on Saturday, December 20, 2008this is my 300th post.strange. i'm happy. i really am. i mean, what else could i ask for? God's given her the relief from all her pain and suffering isn't that exactly what i asked for? i couldn't have possibly expected her to hold on to that. when God calls, i guess, you just have to go there's no denying that. but it's strange. to exist in a world where your loved one no longer lingers the only tangible part of her that remains is nothing but her past being the physical part that we know will not always remain. but there's always something much much deeper, more than fundamental affection and love. it's not just a mere memory; neither is it just a thought it's something burried in the deepest recesses of your probably-very-broken heart; it cannot be taken away from you it will not wither and crumble to bits it is not like the words etched onto stone that will weather away you must know it by now. yet you don't know how this is "the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life it is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart." it's almost as though a part of them still continues to live in you, pulsating through your veins. but no, it is not blood i speak of. neither is it anything you can hold for that matter. it is not their soul, for that rejoices in heaven with our Lord. it is because they love, and so do we. it is why we just know that we have to keep going keep smiling, keep singing, keep hoping, keep loving, keep fighting, keep breathing for TWO. but yes, it is hard and sometimes i feel like screaming. in fact, i am. in my mind not going mad. just, moving on. i think it's why i nearly cried when i read "new moon", the part when edward leaves bella. i feel that pain, when you search and search but realise there's nothing to find that will ease the pain. i just want to ignore it. because it hurts too much, it's just too hard. posted on Saturday, December 13, 2008suddenly i feel really broken.like the tears can't stay in any more and the pain's more than physical it throbs a lot. but it's almost as though i'm used to the pain, i've become immune. i've become cold. that's what i'm suffering from i guess, compassion fatigue. just so tired of crying because there's a danger in loving somebody too much it's the pain i fear. the pain from dealing with all the drama of losing someone posted on Friday, December 12, 2008gah, still can't believe confi's over!it's like, you spend 3 years preparing for it thinking it's still a long time more and then boom. it's over): and you're afraid to lose all the friends and memories you've made it's time to step out on our own and propel our faith to greater heights sigh, i miss cat classes!!! and to think i used to dread them, used to skip them for other silly activities. gosh, i feel old, haha, i guess we've all really grown so much i think uncle al and andrea were really great this past year aunty shirley's special(: even though she didn't teach me, she's been very motherly and i can't thank her enough gladys and sicily really put in a lot of effort to teach my class. haha, we weren't exactly very co-operative, i must admit. but i'm joing jr cat! after o levels... someone needs to remind me though... i might forget. uncle steven and family are coming back soon! exciting! don't know how we're spending christmas though, my family's not putting up a tree this year, there's just no time. these few months and those to follow will be really chaotic, and i'm not sure what to pray for a miracle or just plain peace.
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