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Where Did You Come From LadyElizabeth Tan♥ |
posted on Monday, January 29, 2007look, i'm human too.i make mistakes. i can't read your mind. so you want to blame me. go ahead. but at least have a proper back up damnit. sometimes i feel like i just go unappreciated. there i am, like some pathetic puppy waiting to be kicked. waiting to be disappointed waiting to be hurt. again, and again, and again. so what's the point right? i'f i'm so unhappy. what do i have to do to make you realise. that i was actually doing ti for you. Gosh, even she's more secure than you. i always thought i was weak. thinking about it, and seeing you, i feel like superwoman. you pain in the ass. i hate you. why can't you see that i've been sacrificing so much? why can't you see that i've been hurting inside. can't you freakin tell i'm breaking down??? i can't find a reason to care. only to hate. you never seem to remember anything good that i've done. you only remember my negative traits. you've forgotten everything else. did you forget that you loved me? that you used to care for both of us? that i'm always the one who comforts you? when it should always be the other way around? damnit you bloody ass! why do i still give a freakin damn about you when you can't give a damn about me? you call that giving a damn? i call that torturing me. since you can't remember all this, and remembering it only makes me more hurt why don't i just bang my head or get into an accident. a real bad one. then i may forget everything too. and make you feel the pain i'm feeling now. have you any idea what it's like to be told that you're useless and stupid? by someone like you? maybe you didn't mean it. maybe you didn't know it would hurt. you must have been a effing idiot to not know. i'm craking up because of you. and you can't see it. maybe i should start throwing up all my food. then you'll realise something's wrong. then you'll give me the security i crave. just because i'm sane now it doesn't mean it'll remain that way. don't think you can wait for me to grow up and say that it was just that phase i sure hate you now. i really just want to scream. GOD, give me a reason tell me what to do. please say that i haven't been doing these things in vain. Jesus, what do i do? why won't she shut up? i want to be someone else. not like her all the time. i want to make my own mistakes. don't tell me that you don't want me to be like her when you keep comparing the both of us this and that and this and that. i hate it! can't you see? obviously you can't. oh, why do i even bother? all my life i grew up like this. you'd think: her parents ferry her around, she's in a good class, she should grow up to be someone great. i once thought that too. now i doubt all of it. my future, my past, my present. was i really happy? don't tell me to do something about it. tell me what to do about it. ms ho was right after all. there's just this intense fear in me. because ever since i was little i was scared that one day i would wake up and no one would love me. that everything would fall apart. that this would all cease to exist. and yes, i'm scared now Lord. i'm really lost now. and i really need you to come and comfort me. what do you do when it all falls apart?
posted on Thursday, January 25, 2007ahh. so long since i last posted!oh my, life's been so chaotic recently. what do i do? the best answer is of course to pray. but i'm sure all of us catholics have felt in some way, angry at GOD before. yes, we start to wonder why he does things a moment of despair that forces you to say that life's unfair -security, joss stone sometimes we yell at GOD. we just don't know what else to do. we want to understand why he does things and when things don't go our way, we get even more frustrated. some of us have gone to the point of doubting his existence so some give in to that doubt and block him out of their lives thinking they can become their own GOD. they stop praying and eventually stop going to church. because we can't see why people say he's so good. we can't see why he does those things. but we all must remember that when you feel that GOD isn't listening to you. your the stupidest person in the world. he is listening, very attentively. but when you get angry that things don't go right. your actually telling him: i want things MY way God. not yours, MY way. it's scary, how many of us can throw christ aside because we're tried. because we're lazy. how we never thank him but instead dreedily ask for more. it's scary that after you read this you'd probably go to sleep tonight without giving a damn. how we don't place GOD as first, when he should be. it drives me to insanity everyday. sometimes i ask: why does he love us so much? we sin, we lie, we condemn him, curse and swear at everything. but not once has he ever given up on us not once has he ever not fogiven us. why? doesn't it hurt him? why does he have to make some of us feel so guilty that we've been such a******s to him. sorry GOD, please forgive us anyway, last time i wrote was after CCA orientation? yeah. super busy! geog, om, english, science, AEPand EP! those are all the projects we have had and still have so far! i mean like, give us a break! it's only the 4th week of school? annoying buggers. can[t believe they took philosophy out of our subjects. still pissed over it. i realised this year, i've been extremely touchy so far. sorry everyone who had to put up with it. especially jaime, arielle and clara. it's just that, so much has changed. i can't be the same. as much as i want to be i know i have to grow up, i know i have to throw so much away. i really want to go back to being who i was. i really want to be carefree again. but i can't. and there's nothing i can do but move forward. it will hurt. it's already hurting. but i will trust in the LORD. he told us the road would be long. he told us it would be painful and full of obstacles. but i will follow. pray that no temptations will lead me astray. i will try, yes LORD, i will. please give me the strength to carry on. under all this weight, i may crack but i know that you will do whatever it takes to help me put those pieces back again. even if i grow up with a chip on my shoulder, and it hurts like hell to go on. we all know we have to. for all those people out there, so they too can live their lives. thank you LORD, for these trials, and for not letting my get everything my way. if you did, life would lose it's fun. then there'd be not much purpose in living. trainings thise year have been of to a not-so-good start? we've been practicing dance every training and i'm a super slow learner! it's really tiring us out like crap. i can t focus when i come home and i've been waking up aching all over and with huge eyebags. sometimes my eyelids are so literally heavy. hillary hoo and clara have joined red cross! yesh~ more cadets for our batch. we have 7 now! haha. pathetic still. but there are 4 2/1 red crossers! haha. recently we had photo-taking! class and cca. and OMGosh! i'm going to look like a bloody "guai-kia"(sp?) in the clas photo! i'm not only sitting in the front row, but i'm next to Mrs Tan!! pray that i look nice. i wonder when we'll get our yearbooks. ahh. today min yan was swinging something about when it got hooked onto my chain and it broke. the chain with the blue heart pendant with Mother Mary in the middle. thank you Yee Wern! you said something today which may not have been true, but it made me feel better! cathecism today was so far the most spritual. well, we've only had 2 lessons so..yeah. and the VIs came for training this week! eeks! could tell they weren't happy with our dance. and we're pretty much doomed. i was born to live in a world that doesn't care.
posted on Sunday, January 14, 2007i don't think i've blogged for about a week! ooh.. lots of things to say!today was the prize-giving! it was bloody boring. wasted my whole morning just to get $300. well, like my sister's friend said, think of it the other way, the ministry pays you $300 to watch other people shake hands and exchange handshakes with an MP. ... yesterday was sec one CCA orientation! went aroud screaming like a bloody idiot: "join red cross!" well, doubt anyone believed us. but 19 people signed up. and my feet hurt. jaime i'm dying from annoyance! ahh, some people are so annoying!! plus so many people haven't handed in their english holiday homework, or handed my the $3 for the english worksheet booklet, or the $2 for the oral comm. booklet, or the asian geographic form! so how do you expect me to relax! or be happy for that matter. ask yourself are you happy, if your not do something about it. yeah, like what? we can't do anything to our freakin' screwed lives. that's why we're freakin' unhappy. so don't tell us to change anything and expect us to not go rioting out on the streets. ... i'm over-reacting right? well, what can i say? it's in my blood. yeah, both rioting and over-reacting. my grand-uncle took part in some big riot. one of the leaders or something... the police came looking for him i wonder what became of him? i shall ask my dad. a glittery romantic posted on Monday, January 08, 2007today was weird.francesca started ignoring us. don't know why. maybe she thought we were leaving her out or something. well, sorry! during english it wasn't intentional. and during chinese you sat somewhere else. we saved a seat for you in front of us but you wanted to sit with courtney and denise during geog, and in om we were hinting to you like idiots that we needed one more person in our group but you didn't want to join! ): anyway, today there was drama! and i liked the excercies where we act out something we do often i was talking in on the phone! and halfwway my sister started yelling at me so i pretended to yell back! i must have lookd real spastic but it was fun. next was...assembly hillary hoo went home! she forgot about assembly! we all panicked! and mrs tan found it funny... class comm meeting at first jaime and me didn't know we had to go! then when we found out we ran all over to find them now i am: PE rep english rep and yellow house rep mrs tan didn't want us taking on too many roles oh wells, neither did we... this is going to be one busy, Busy, BUsy, BUSy, BUSY! year. with red cross, class comm, streaming, om, AEP, plus the second half of the year, we're taking home econs! whoo! get to cook! so fun! i hope i don't burn anything... but we don't have philosophy anymore! ): i really wish they would put it back into out timetable! it was the only subject that made sense. well, to me that is... but as you know by now, i have a weird definition of sense. so bye for now! posted on Saturday, January 06, 2007oh dear! this new year has been terrible.less than 2hrs after the new year started, my sister and me got a scholding from my mom. for the first 3 days of school, i had to wake up at 5.30 because of my sister. i've had about an average of 6 hrs of sleep for the past week. thursday's training was super exhausting doing that dance routine numerous times!!!! then they told us the paint on the banner wasn't water proof. and the wanted to change the words. so today i went back to school at 8.30am for banner painting. started at about 9. all the way till 4+ when i left ma'am angeline and ma'am mushuang were still doing the second banner. they changed the design of the banner with the tree i drew. bloody tree. on the other one with wei ting's words and the swirly thing i drew, this one's a long story, we were supposed to re-paint the bottom words so we did that. but the words looked much nicer than the ones we did before. so we had to re-do those too. while ma'am angeline was moving the banner, she toppled over a can of gold paint. you know what happened next i guess luckily that was on the other banner which i wasn't doing. ma'am angeline calls the one with the swirls my banner '-.- reminds me of my sister saying:"count your chickens!" then we tried to hang it from the 5th floor staircase but it only reached the 4th floor. so we moved to the technical block(st michael's block) and we hung it on the 4th, silly lala, suddenly came up and scared the crap out of me!! i had such a shocked my heart almost shot out of my mouth when i screamed! then ma'am angeline wasn't happy with it. so we hung it from the 3rd floor but it reached the ground floor. so we wanted us to move it back up. by then, it wasas already 4 so i had to go. super tired now. but i have to finish my darn science. why did einstein had to be such a wise guy. and so blooming smart? sigh. and why does the brownian theory thingy remind me of brownies?! when it's about molecules? sigh if all the raindrops were lemondrops and gumdrops oh what a rain that would be! standing outside with my mouth open wide! a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a if all the raindrops were lemondrops and gumdrops oh what a rain that would be! posted on Tuesday, January 02, 2007rarr!last day of holiday for me. sigh. it's going to be another tough year. last year was probably the worst year i've ever had. i don't think i've ever had so much hatred bottled up in me i don't know why i get so angry easily now it's just hard to excpet certain things. but we all know we must move on. i know i have to. just like how we live we know we have to. there's no why. just why not. for the people we love, and for those that love us, and for GOD. whatever you do, do it for GOD. whatever happens, thank him. that's one of the hardest things to do. thank the LORD for something you hate. thank the LORD when you hurt, when your wounds are covered with salt. when your heart feels like it's being torn out. when your eyes are so badly blood-shot from crying. when your knees feel that their about to give way. when your mind can'tt hink about anything else but the pain. and when you manage to thank him sincerely with all your heart and soul for all that, that's when you realise, it's going to be alright. you may not be alright now but you know you will be someday if GOD brings you to it he will bring you through it and i take comfort in knowing that he will always be with me and that one day, these wounds will be nothing but scars just for me to remember not to cry over not to hate but just to remember that it was Him who healed these and it was Him who carried me through all this. posted onthe rain in spain falls mainly on the plain!haha. from my fair lady. watched it on arts central last night. sooo funny! especially the horse racing part where she yelled: "come on dover, move your blooming arse!" and a lady fainted. dover was the horse's name and the pathetic freddy i thought he must have stupid to wait on the street and not get it. but her dress at the ball was just so... shiny! way too much bing on that. but the lady in purple was much worse. i thought the hats were so... much like something jaime would look nice in!! don't kill me jaime. i was only joking! oh wells, school opens tomorrow!!!! can't wait to see my friends!!! can't wait to give them a big hug! miss them so much!
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