posted on Wednesday, October 31, 2007
i love clara! self-proclaimed i love jaime! yayness! i love arielle! super! i am straight! yipee!
who knows what the future holds for us? righttee? i shall take a positive stand to all of this. no matter how hard my heart screams. this is the path that God has chosen for us. it is a journey that we will travel alone. regardless of how many loved ones we have, we must walk this route alone. because we are given this priveledge of living a life that no one else can experience. no one else but us. no matter how much this burning heart bleeds we must stay strong. for those we love and those that love us. i can't bear to let go of twoone 07. after all that? all those trials we went through? regardless of outcome, it seems like they're gonna be all thrown into the past, lost in our complicated souls of entangled emotions. mingled with all those other memories. i want them to be special. cause it's 2/1 we're talking about here. it's not something you forget?! it's something you cherish. it's something you look back on and reminisce and cry about. it's something that should stay with you forever. and i want it to be like that. but once again there's fear. yes, so much fear. like ms ho said about me. "there's so much fear in this girl". i can't help it can i? but this fear. it's threatening me with the possibility of being too sentimental for my own good. it's gripping me by the shoulders and making letting go so hard. part of me just wants to break down now. but part of me says to be strong, cause soon enough there ain't gonna be no one left to catch you. strange how this applies physically and emotionally.
a few lines of a song:
...i can't make this feeling cease cause deep in my soul you left a permanent crease and we all got our cross to bear our star of david, our dreadlocked hair oh yeah baby, i still care and if you need some help you know i'll always be there
well it's been a strange year... as my fire went out you put on another log and it was worth never having any peace cause deep in my soul you left a permanent crease
repeat chorus
... [irrelevant lines] ... but i'm not afraid to go down with a sinking friend ...
i love these people. even if it kills me in the end. it's hard to let go. we all know this. but yet we always find it just so hard to muster the courage to face the fact. i know that we're going to be separated. but i can't accept it. it's just too hard. too painful. cause this world i've been living in for the past year or so has been terrible to me. and they were the ones who made it bearable. who kept me going. who lugged me along despite the obstacles. i can't forgive them for that. i can't forgive them for being so nice to me. cause now it's making everything so damn hard. it's causing me too much pain. i can't forgive them for not asking anything in return. they were just way too kind to me. and i love them. with all my heart. cause this heart has been torn and broken. weathered and ripped apart. yet, this heart has been sewn, glued, stiched, pieced back together in almost every possible way by these people. now i have to start all over again. without the same foundation. without the same comfort. it's gonna be hell. but it's gonna be the only way through. so now i pray to God that he leads us through this safely. cause we can't do on our own.
posted on Tuesday, October 30, 2007
recap-
last day of school. it was a sadsadsad day. cried myself into pulp at the last part. just couldn't bear to let jaime & yangs go. their going to vj and tj. and they're gonna be so darn far away :(( i couldn't stop crying and it was really bad cause ap and me needed to go find ms teo. so when we were waiting outside 2/5 for tiffy and diane, ms teo came, and i couldn't stop crying still. so she went away first. i really wanted to cry my heart out just there and then. i felt like a complete idiot for wasting so much time. i know this sounds cheesy but i wish we could turn back time. cause those were the days when i felt joy in it's purest form. just unadultered happiness.
then we practiced and presented. mrs low was there~!! and she was really spot on. she said we had to dramatise the whole thing. i almost went mad. but she didn't even have enough time to correct my part. so tiffy and AP got a lot of comments from her. then i had to rush for open studios @ 6.30 cause of prize giving. immediately after prize giving i left cause the rest were still upstairs practicing. we stayed till 9. ms teo bought us dinner again and let us have some of her quishe. :D
Lit symposium @ RGS lots of funny things to tell. trying to help tiffany tie her tie. we went to the hall and had to sit in front! poor tiffany had to sit next to some loser guy[it was sort of my fault] anyway, we signed up for the prose writing workshop but we went to the wrong classroom and ended up in the poetry writing workshop! it was so stupid! but we didn't dare to say anything. so we kept quiet. it wasn't so bad after all. i wrote a poem! but it sounds funny. i think it's the middle and last line. but tiffy said it was cool. not exactly a word that i expected but at least it made sense. the other poem was complete crap. then we went for our presentation...watched the others... and there was one seriously boring presentation[i shall not say the school or content] but i yawned at least 12 times cause i lost count after that. they gave out the certificates in this super cool envelop! it said: ON GOVERNMENT SERVICE cool right?! i have it! :D stole it fast enough. and when everyone else left, ms teo gave us a debrief and we took pictures! diane has most of them. i only have 2. i'll upload them when i get them! :D then tiffany started giving out the envelops one by one like during honours day. diane took pictures and we were going crazy! after a while the secuirity guard came and chased us out. he must have thought we were psycho. then we left! went home. i tried to rush for cat class but i was too tired. luckily, there still one more class. i MUST go for that one. and i have to get my mother to write a letter for all the classes i've missed. or at least tell the teeacher why. or i doubt i'll make my 75% attendance. i have to switch to sunday class i think. i'm never able to make it for saturday cause of red cross. oh wells. feels kinda sad after the seminar. it's like, working so hard for something and it's finally over. i kind of miss working on it. cause it gave me something to focus on, something else to worry about. rather than think about all the other thousand and one things i have to do.
training. not much to say. lala and me had fun. doing evac on each other. FD comp results are out. a bit shocking but...sigh. i shan't say. lala and me are in! how am i going to break the news to -?! things are going to get weird.
special post.
posted on Sunday, October 28, 2007
to jaime, la and arielle. i've been staring at this for the past few hours. can't think of what to write. everything sounds so cliched. i want this to be truly special. cause this was my clique for sec 1 & 2. they're probably the most influential people on my life. cause they were the ones who helped me pull through so many things- the loss of loved ones, the pressure, the fear, the torment, the weariness. they gave me the comfort that no one else could, they supported me despite the consequence, despite the outcome. they're the ones who know me. inside out and outside in. they know my deepest darkest secrets, fears and they know practically everything about me. how do you say goodbye to people like that? how do you, knowingly and willingly, let go? how do you know it's going to be alright without them? how do you know that in 2-5 years time, we'll still be tlking to each other, we'll still be with each other? how do you live without these people?
arielle thanks you for:
porcupines united, cheerleading, secrets, gossip, shopping, neoprints, trinklet making, those times i cried, the understanding and comfort you gave me. those words of encouragement. putting up with the nonsense. and all those little conversations that we had, about lost of crap. they matter. they really do. cause those are the moments i treasure. those are the times we spend together and that i really enjoyed. keep being pretty okay? and keep in touch. promise.
clara you were there for: everything. every single little time i was about to break down. you were there. during OM, you took upon yourself to do the bulk of the project. during talentime, and cac. when you got so stressed. sorry baby, i really had my head in the clouds. when i was too idealistic i guess you really brought me back down. the comfort you gave me can't and will never be replaced. you rock my socks!
jaime you'll be in my heart and this is the hardest of all. because i started wirting this with the mentality that i would be able to let you go and be happy for you. i am happy for you. but i can't let go. cause i don't know what i'm going to do without you. and it's not fair. cause ----- will get to spend more time with you than we do! but it's also not fair cause we're all gonna miss you like crazy. and IJ's gonna lose one hell of a funny girl to Vj. but as they say, you can take the girl out of the convent, but you can't take the convent out of the girl. make sure everyone in vj know that it's true. so hold your head up high and walk on, through the thunder, through the rain, go forth and embrace this opportunity that you've been wanting. but remember that i'll always be here. right here, cheering you on. and i really wanted to say these things to you on the last day of school. but i couldn't find my voice. only my tears. to tell the truth, those tears meant more than: i'm gonna miss you and i don't want you to go. they meant: i'm sorry, forgive me for all the times i've wronged you, for all the times i caused you trouble and distress. i want you to know how much you mean to me and that i'll never ever forget you, that i'll always love you. thanks you for being the greates friend on earth, letting me share my troubles and problems with you, sharing your problems and troubles with me. thankyou thankyou thankyou. remember to call once a week and tell me about vj!
how i'll cherish those times these people were there for me like for that time from oct to nov06 when i was sturggling to let go like during the sec 2 retreat when i broke down and you 3 came running into the toilet after me and gave that big hug. i can't forget that. during that time i fell terribly ill and i couldn't talk cause my throat was inflammed and i was too weak. you people constantly sms-ed me and kept me updated. and when i fell apart in drama during the sharing thing. don't know why the hell i always get so emotional. during the heart aching back lash of things wonders of science! and OM! and drama
jaime: a is for apple, apple is for me b is for banana, banana starts with b c is for caroline, minus a, r, e oh, apple apple is for me! yeap, i'll remember that. i sure will.
dedications- my turn to say!
posted on
whoo! everybody's writing their dedications so i guess i'd better get down to mine. in alphabetical order:
amanda pai thianks for being there to help me. especially during science when i didn't know the answers or i was day dreaming. the lit seminar rocked with you cause you were so hardworking! i can't thank you enough. poetry is fun right right right? :D when we were all crying on the last day of school, i thought: " damn, how am i gonna let go?" then i thought of all the people i had to thank. you were defininately one of them. i'm just so jealous of you. you get the chance to chose between 3/1 or 3/3. and i'll never have the chance to be with so many people from 2/1. cherish it girl. i know you will. arielle
special post.
beatrice
ahh, yes, beatrice! i resisted the temptation to bring a camera during exam mass! :) you were such a darling standing up for me and helping me. plus keeping me informed of church stuff when i'm blur. comforting me when i was down. you're one of the greatest people i know. believe it or not, i'm gonna keep saying it.
clara
this is going to be one of the hardest. so i'll write the special post later
daffy don't get angry cause i', writing this in pink and it's spoiling your eyes. you are a bimbo in the most warped sense of the word. and i love annoying you. but i hope you'll see past that and realise that the only reason why i annoyed you was cause i treated you like a friend. and i'm sure, within the deepest depths of my heart, that you'll grow real soon and be really tall. keep growing! :) francesca you! are the most hyper, most exhausting, most cuckoo, most jumpy friend i have ever met! just typing this post makes me pant. haha! just so you know, all those days when we didn't talk or drifted apart, i still thought of you, and wanted to talk to you. but i guess i was too afraid. there are somethings that can't be forsaken. and you're just one of those lovely things.
grace
grassy! the bimbo! haha. please don't become a chef.. i'll be worrired for you. you are lovely too. take care and keep smiling. you're not a bimbo la, i just like calling you that. God bless and hope to keep in touch. haha. remember GIS? and morning assembly? i'll never forget it. love you loads
hillary hoo your nut here! being your "nut" is one of my greatest pleasures! cause you're nuttier than me! but before this turns into a debate of who's nuttier than who... i would like to state the following: you are blurer than me[oh yes you are] you are absolutely nutty! and i love you. for who you are. for all your flaws and for all those days that you were with me. thank you. hillary koh
how am i going to thank you enough for being there for twoone. you sweet little girl [please do not kill me] the cheerleading, the competitions. thanks sooo much.. seeing you cry on the last day of school made me realise how vulnerable we all are. even the best fall down sometimes. keep fighting. i'll be here rooting for you
jaime
i'll write a special post later rui ann you're the best! keep being that cheerful, funny, crazy and brave girl. have fun in 3/1. you're a real entertainer and helpful dearie. don't ever stop being you. or i'll be really sad. keep the faith alright? 2/1 o07! jame bond style! xin hui SUSHI! haha. tanks for all the sushi that we stole from you. i'm really glad that we can still keep in touch through council. you funny math rap. nice broom! heh. cheerleading wouldn't have been as fun without you yee wern thanks for the eggs! haha and the hawflakes. nicenicenice! haha. it was fun helping you crack eggs. OM was pretty fun too. i love you. but i'm STRAIGHT! :D :D :D thanks for being there. you really understood i guess. so stop hurting yourself and take care. :) yun zhu even though we're still going to be held together by aep, hell, i'm gonna miss having you around everyday. all those times, those midnight convos...you were there. to gossip with me, to comfort me and make me laugh. thank God for AEP. i'll get to see you at least once a week! but i'll still miss you. yeap, you bet i will. baby, have you ever loved and lost somebody wish there was a chance to say i'm sorry can't you see cause that's the way i feel about you and me baby have you ever felt your heart was breaking looking down the road you should be taking i should know, cause i loved and lost the day i let you go
it's still not the same. i don't know if you get what i mean but it's all going to be different. i can't move on without you people. you people shape the way i live, the way i talk, the way i walk. everything in my life has been influenced by you. and i can't forget that. i won't forget that. because it makes all the difference. it makes everything different. and i can't let go. last night i spent an hour crying my eyes out. trying to think of why and how. why did these people have to go. and how i was going to let go. it's like i'm being a selfish pig. i should let them go and fulfill their dreams. i should just let them go even if it breaks my heart into a million pieces again. but how will i pull myself back together? when they were the ones who helped me mend it back together. what am i going to do without them?
don't ask me why the spacing is screwed up. stupid blogger.
posted on Wednesday, October 24, 2007
today was tiring. like super super tiring. we were supposed to resume lessons but we ended up watching this chinese show then we went to do the lit thing so from 9-7 we were doing our lit. for 10 freakin hours! and we couldn't memorise our scripts we couldn't get the clips done and we didn't eat lunch but ms teo treated us to dinner :D at one point[or several points] of time we were so stressed over it that we started laughing and laughing till my jaw ached first time i laughed so much in a long time... presentation today was ok la... heh. but by the time we finished i was late for the AEP briefing so by the time i went to the venue, the talk just ended. pretty stupid. but the snacks were nice. very cute. can't wait for perth! with yz and la! haha. gosh. tmr's presentation is going to be really scary. i think i'm gonna cry
posted on Tuesday, October 23, 2007
i spent today like a normal day. with the exception of preparing for the lit seminar i went about my work like today was just another day like it didn't matter to me but it did. it matters a hell lot to me but somehow, i just can't show it. it's been one year now. today. it's been a full complete year. and i probably look like an idiot still grieving when these people have moved on. today i saw in the papers that there's a huge fire in california students from pepperdine university were evacuated. i wonder if my cousin's alright? does she remember today? or is she too caught up in the excitement. they don't seem to recall that this time last year, we lost her i lost her i lost my mind. over the pain, the anguish, the fear and the guilt. and i think i'm finally moving on i think i'm actually going to let go but should i really? cause i may lose her. everything about her. all the things i've struggled to remember of her somethings that cannot be weathered or worn away but by letting go, does this mean i'll forget her? does this mean she'll be gone, completely? it's almost as though i can feel it. it's the 23rd of october. she's been dead for about 8550 hours. she's been lying under the mud, under a patch of flowers and i've been wondering for 8550 hours how to move on without losing that small bit of what i hold on to
where did i go wrong i lost a friend somewhere alone in this bitterness
posted on Friday, October 19, 2007
whoo. the sec2 definite leaders' thing is over! it was quite fun la. just tiring. mom said i looked real pale another whoo! i got top for paper 3 [SOVA] in AEP! and clara is gonna have her beautiful brocoli displayed! my whole body aches from yesterday's evac. even though i didn't do pt of fd. had to leave early from gm cause of training :( i feel pretty pathetic. being easily tired and always leaving early from council stuff oh wells.
isn't it weird how just not talking as much as you used to can make you distant from a friend? it's like, you just drift further and further and you never do anything to stop it cause you're so caught up in everything else. and you don't want to seem too possessive or anything so you keep quiet, thinking that it's not that serious thinking that if you say something it'll seem like you're being stupid and annoying. and you let it pass you let it go right pass you without even trying to stop it. i'm sorry to all those friends i let slip by. i'm sorry i didn't open my mouth when i should have.
what the mind does not know, the heart does not grieve
posted on Thursday, October 18, 2007
i'm exhausted. again. mom's gonna nag. what's the big deal? 4-1=3. is that a big difference? if it prevents me from collapsing, no.
i intially wanted to write a really angry post but i like this song. it's got nothing to do with what i'm angry at.
I like the way you wanted me Every night for so long baby I like the way you needed me Every time things got rocky I was believing in you Was I mistaken do you say, Do you say what you mean I want our love to last forever But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know But baby don't you break my heart slow No..... I like the way you'd hold me Every night for so long baby I like the way you'd say my name In the middle of the night While you were sleeping I was believing in you Was I mistaken Do you mean, do you mean what you say When you say our love could last forever Well I'd rather you be mean than love and lie I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know But baby don't you break my heart slow (Bridge) You would run around and lead me on forever While I waited home still thinking we're together I wanted our love to last forever I was believing in you Well I'd rather you be mean than love and lie I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know But baby don't you break my heart slow But baby don't you break my heart slow.....
random thinking!
today, today, today
posted on Wednesday, October 17, 2007
today was... Terrible Tiring Tense Typically wednesday.
first it was pledge. i was super nervous and i ended up saying everything in a really high voice. i must have sounded like an idiot. mrs matthews said it was good but i nearly DIED up there. gosh. i hate to think that i have to be up ther again. then we got back exam scripts. i'm quite disappointed with some subjects but i guess my cheering-up thought is my SOVA! :)). i thought i was bound to fail. such a big surprise! so when i told my mom i was like " mom, you know the sova paper right, the highest was like, 44/50! " in this really sad tone. so my mom was like" so how much did you get." and i was "44/50!" lol. it was really retarded. still, we have yet to get back lit, chinese and math. i don't really want to think about those
then there was the lit seminar presentation. it was like crap. ms teo thought that we presented our own work. but we did the whole thing together. so that makes it even worse. and my reflections suck. i don't have a clue what i'm going to write. and AP's laptop is so hard to use! kept pressing the wrong keys. and we couldn't get internet connection. so we were rushing like mad at the last minute.
ms ho showed us the groupings for the perth trip. i'm with lala and yz! yeah! i hope yz doesn't start sleep talking! or we'll probably throw our pillows at her. whoo! can't wait.
today in learning lab i could have fallen asleep. and i was having a damned headsche and they're giving us homework?!?! like what is their bloody problem? am i not busy enough? am i not tired enough? have i not suffered from exhaustion for a long enough time? and they want training tmr. thank God for gm.
i know, it'll be one year next tuesday. but what do you want me to do? sit around and cry? i can't do that, you know why. one whole year, one whole damned year has gone by since she moved on. have you? look at your pathetic self. it's time you learnt to move on, move away from this unhappiness. cause it's only doing you more harm.
posted on Monday, October 15, 2007
fine, after reading a warm fuzzy from a friend i feel much better. she's a real sweetheart but i barely see her anymore. i liked her warm fuzzy the most cause it almost [well, sort of but i stopped myself] made my cry when i first read it. i still feel like crying when i read it. it's nice. i think i know why they're called warm fuzzies now. :) it doesn't quite solve my problem but i eases the pain. thanks
posted on
i feel like screaming "let me go". it's like someone's gripping onto me, like a vice. but it's like I'm afraid to be let go of. someone's holding onto me. but i want to be held, in a difference sense of the word. i want to be hugged, not restrained.
part of me want to break these chains, part of me wants to be secure. it's like being caged up, in a nice elaborate cage. I'm treated well, i can live with it but I'm not sure if I'm really happy. there's another world outside and I'm wondering if i can be happier there.
so I'm gonna bury myself. under the covers and pillows. under my conscience and my pain. that's where i'll dream. it won't solve the problem but it can make the pain go away for a while. even if it's just a little while, it's better than bearing it the whole long while.
posted on Sunday, October 14, 2007
sometimes i feel like shouting things without giving a damn what people think of me. i feel like screaming cause i'm so fed up and then i remember this:
i will lift up mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help my help cometh from the Lord which made heaven and earth He will not suffer thy foot to be moved; He that keepth thee will not slumber behold, he that keepth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep the Lord is thy keeper, the Lord is they shade upon thy right hand the sun shall not smite thee by day nor the moon by night the Lord shall preserve thee from all evil He shall preserve they soul the Lord shall preserve thy going in and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore
then i want to cry. because sometimes i can say: "i believe you Lord" but at times i look back and wonder why things happened, what went wrong..
i'm afraid now. cause it's october. and despite the many happy memories one may have, i can only remember one. and i don't know what to do with it. wash it away? it's like a stain that's been left too long, i don't want to wash it away. just like how i want to love the rain. but i can't. i just can't bring myseslf to forget. because by forgetting, i will lose everything that i've struggled so hard to hold on to. cause she's the only reason to hold on, or maybe to let go. i don't know.
she's gone, it's almost been a year. what do you do when this kind of thing happens? do you sit around and cry? so that her memory will be remembered? do you pretend like nothing's happened but wait till dusk to cry your heart out? i hate the pain that it brings me. but it's the only thing holding her dear memory alive and well in my mind and heart. to let go, would be to lose her. you may say i lost her a year ago, but no, i don't want to think that. you tell me to face facts, so i ask you to face your feelings. you did it for your own convienience, not out of love. i hate that you don't seem to care. and you tell me not to be too sentimental. well guess what. that's just what i am and i'm not gonna change it. i don't want to be like you. never ever. i hate you. and i will do everything in my will and power to make sure i don't end up as pathetic as you.
posted on Friday, October 12, 2007
i'm confused now.
i'm not sure if this i what i want
or is it what she wants.
why don't i ever get a choice? i'm scared i'll screw it up. everything, my whole darned life. that's why i listen to her. cause i think i'll fail.
posted on
i think i am being crappy. i have nothing to do.[fine i have lots of things to do] but i'm still watching this retarded drama cause of this retarded idiot who told me to watch it. and i couldn't understand a thing cause there were no darned english subs and it was in cantonese. and i just found a webbie that has it in chinese AND english subs! so i cluelessly watched the first few episodes in silence [cause i muted the sound] for nothing. sigh. i guess i have to start on the lit soon...
posted on Thursday, October 11, 2007
today was the moe and drawing paper! the englsih was easy. like, much easier than our normal papers and the drawing paper was like shit. we had to draw brocolli. how sucky is that? mine looked like crap anyway. i think i'm so gonna fail it. darned aep. plus there are tonnes of activities coming up:[in chronological order] -sec 2 definite leaders -ceramics course -perth trip talk -open studios -RGS lit seminar -holiday trainings -combined training -perth -greece -christmas
plus i wanted to organise a class outing do some jewellery making with yz and la. and i wanted to start christmas shopping early AND i was intending to have a criminal minds marathon AND a gilmore girls marathon AND play the piano again AND bring jaime to sicc AND council camp[which i probaby won't be around for :((] AND go out with the 6 violet gang AND sleep damnit! sleep!
haha. i guess i won't be able to do all that. sighs. i am having a super long and interesting chat with hill haha. yes, i talk a lot. i'm her nut!- [acc. to her] anyway, today i saw kimberly! after like such a looong time! missed her lots. glad that she hasn't changed much. she went out with priya, yvonne & amandalee sweet isn't it? how they still kept in touch and i look at my life and all the people who i didn't keep in touch with i'm glad i still talk to sathya though i really miss anusha. i don't know why we drifted so far apart. and now i really regret not making a bigger effort to keep in touch with her i wonder if she'll ever see this, or the previous post that i dedicated to her once.
posted on Wednesday, October 10, 2007
exams are over! over i tell you! over! fine, not all... there's still the darned moe paper and aep. but those don't count. :) and guess what? i have my schedule from now till...20 dec filled up already. :(( this means i had better enjoy all the time i have left. wahh. my sister is a gummy thief! and addict. hence, i am no longer buying gummies! or maybe i should her o-levels are coming.... i've got LL later. :( i think it's sort of becoming a waste of time i have no clue what to do about the rgs lit seminar. reflections? have you any idea how crazy that sounds i suck a reflections. i can't wait for perth! and greece! and [if i'm in s'pore] council camp! :) i'd better go.
can't have you for mine & i know it
posted on
this is the post to steph, to explain what i meant because her tag was suan-ing me.
dear darling junior, what i meant was people hurt themselves for various reasons. although usually treated either as a sign of attention seeking behaviour or a cry for help. but, it could possible indicate that she is going through a great deal of emotional stress. and sometimes, when the pain in her heart and mind is just too intense, she look for other ways of easing the pain. cause she doesn't know how to get help. sometimes, we humans find that by physically hurting ourselves, it relieves of from the emotional pain, not forever, but at least for a time being. just for the sake of thinking about something else, anything else but the emotional pain. if you ever go through such a great amount of emotional trauma you will understand. because the pain that these people feel is more than real, more than heart-breaking. it literally feels like somebody has ripped your heart out of you and your bleeding on the inside. and this pain, never leaves them. one day darling, you will understand. sorry if i'm making you emo. it's just that, it's october, and well, october means a lot to me. sorry dearie.
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