back!
posted on Tuesday, November 25, 2008
gosh.
this week has been a terrible roller coaster.
it still seems like it didn't really happen.
but it's over.
okay, let's start with the beginning
council camp.
it was really fun
played all kinds of crazy games.
screamed till my cough got worse and lost my voice temporarily
played taboo till i nearly went mad!
deepika is seriously really funny at it.
went to ren ci for service learning.
it was pretty okay.
sab is an excellent window cleaner.
shi pei, it's okay, we will grow taller!
i didn't know pet was that tall...
i think she;s just got long arms.
i'm bruised all over.
still, really enjoyable.
sec 4 farewell after camp was fun too!
cooking the food was fun.
yeah, eunice and me can be professional bartenders!
haha, ruth, you are not my favourite person darling. so sorry.
indigo rocks!
and i am tired.
okay. so came back wed night.
didn't really get to sleep.
i got my phone back too!
yeah! and all my 6000+ msgs are gone.
like the guy warned me.
but it's okay.
so friday was church camp.
i was packing at 3 am in the morning.
beatrice didn't realy my smses! so i brought too many shirts.
gosh. the whole camp was just, so... i don't know how to describe it.
just wayyy too many things happened
and i regret not bringing my phone.
but seriously, just so much my heart almost couldn't take it.
once the pain came back i just had to sleep.
i don't even know where to start
just, woah, okay. i need to slow down.
i guess after confession i just couldn't take it.
i've admitted what i've done and i'm not proud but at that moment, i knew. i just felt it.
everything just felt much better.
like what i'd been searching for forever, was in my hands.
for the longest time i'd been looking for God.
i don't know how or why i ran away from Him like that. but i just really wanted to just come back and for everything to return to how it used to be. i was really happy because i'd thought i'd put that past behind me. and i'd been crying about it for the longest time, not knowing where to get help from. but i found it at this retreat. it honestly felt better than just great. to just be totally aware of all my emotions and to finally begin that step from denial, to bargaining and pushing myself out of anger. i'm not sure where i stand in between depression and acceptance. but it doesn't matter. God loves me. He loves her too. He loves all of us. and it's far beyong human comprehension. because He's God. He's not human so you can't measure him by our own silly logic and science. it's hard. but why would it be easy? the fact that it hurts shows that there's emotions in that, and there's definitely love.
but after confession, it just all came out. i didn't actually intend to tell anyone till it was all over cause i kept thinking, i have to get through this all on my own. thanks beatrice, and aunty shirley, and uncle al. for showing me so much concern, for being there while i just bawled. i think that sitting there, in the middle of the court, in my heart i already knew. i just didn't believe. but when fr andrew said all that, and what aunty shirley said, i believe now. and i no longer doubt. just love.
as to what happened at night. i think i probably shouldn't disclose it because it's quite internal. just keep praying.
|