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posted on Sunday, November 18, 2007
this is just one of those times.
1. and i'm staring straight at it.
i can't believe it.
sometimes i think i've got it all sorted out
but i don't
this life is a mess. i know, right?
all those lies hidden underneath
all those years of trying
i need to know.
i just need to try
give it one shot.
i'm not even remotely sure if this is going to turn out the way i want it to. but there's no harm trying. and you know what? im scared. i've always been scared. cause all my life i've lived with such fear. and yet no one told me anything. was i forsaken? i don't know. all my life i've just listened and tried to be that girl well i just can't go one being her. i want to be someone else. but why is it everytime, every single little time, i am pushed back down.
retarded- means to be held back or restrained.
if that's the case then yes, i am retarded i guess. but i don't want to be. i was, not long ago, told that i was talented. surprised? i bet you are. cause you're the only one who refuses to believe in me. the only one who keeps forcing me. the only one who doesn't understand me. yet, i listen to you. because this is what i owe you. and many a time i ask, is it love or obligation? because in our case, the two seem almost inter-changeable. in fact, very inter-changeable. but one must not forget the bonds that hold us together. no, i have never forgotten. because they are the very bonds that are smothering me. threatening to suffocate my every fibre of zest left. i cannot live life like this anymore. you can't keep controlling me and you know it. you can try by all superficial means to hold on to me. but it's not working out too well is it? i'm sorry. but i can't continue like this. and we both know it.
2. i hate it that you people lie to me. when i can so obviously see the truth. i scoff at your ignorance. but who will i tell? you can say so many things but yet, i can never believe you because of all the times you've lied to me. how do think i feel? everyone can see through you and your ridiculous attention-seeking gimics. you think i don't know you're faking it? either that or you're just plain dumb.
[i know, this is getting terribly angsty and emo, like ms ong says i am but this is the last part of it. addressed to person3]
3. i think i'm going crazy. and it's all because of you. i keep searching and searching for stupid things and thinking about it all day but it's driving me nuts. but you're a nice person, don't get me wrong. it's really not your fault or anything. i just wish i could stop thinking so much. it's my fault, really. my fault for wanting too much, wanting to be free. sometimes i think i should just give up. stop trying to rebel but then, i wouldn't be myself would i? you're just to complicated for me. i don't know what to do.
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