Where Did You Come From Lady

posted on Saturday, November 18, 2006

Sigh. Again. Do you ever wake up, not literally, but just realise that if you may just stop breathing if you never see the people you love again? What would you do if the people you really miss were already gone? and all you really want, what you want more than anything in the world is to be with those people again, to be able to tell them all the things you wanted to say, to do things you never got around to doing, just erase all that guilt and regret. Then you just hit rock bottom. You realise you can't do anything and you feel like dying. Your eyes get all watery again. You don't know why you've been crying so hard or why you can't get over it. You just know you hate yourself for wasting all that time you had to make things right, for being such a weakling, for being so hopeless.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't keep up like this. I just can't move on. I have to admit I did move on a bit since she left. Everything just reminds me of her. I never realised was so close to her, or was she close to me? Right now, every song I listen to tells me of regret, they let someone they loved slip by. That’s what I did. I can't help feeling so guilty. Although I’m in a much better state then when she first died. I couldn't do much but cry. I went to sleep crying, woke up crying, and got out of bed crying. Just thinking of it was so bad. I cried so much that on the 5th day, I couldn't cry anymore. My heart felt like it was tearing itself apart and I wanted to scream so badly. No matter how painful it was, I couldn't cry. My body just stopped me from crying because I was losing too much water. I didn't know how to deal with the emotional loss. Everyone must have thought I was suicidal. I must thank them a great deal for their care. Especially Jaime and lala. They really helped me pull through. I don't know if it's normal to be crying almost everyday. I hope it is. They say the grieving period shouldn't last more than a year.

i found it so hard to pray. so hard to give thanks. i didnt know how to thank GOD when i was hurt so bad. then, somehow, slowly, i started to pray again. i'm not sure how i'm supposed to live my life. i just get more an more frustrated everytime i think about it. i'm so sorry to bore the people, like jia an, who read my blog. i just really needed somewhere to write this. and knowing that not many people actually read my posts is more of a comfort. i sincerely hope that whoever out there is hoping and praying badly for something will come to realised that whatever happens is for their own good sometimes. it will hurt, but it hurts GOD more to see them in pain.

& i pray to GOD he hears you

-the fray;how to save a life

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