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Where Did You Come From LadyElizabeth Tan♥ |
posted on Monday, October 23, 2006there's nothing i can do. it's all over. the crying's stopped now. that's good. but it isn't helping me get over it. the worse part was where...i don't know which was the worst part. i can't think. i can't stand it. she's burried 3 feet under. but i know that's not her. not anymore. i don't know how to live. with that portion of 7 years of my life just gone in an instant. i don't know how to react. i just don't know. telling me crying isn't going to bring her back makes me cry even more. in the car, i saw so many people going on with their daily lives. i couldn't stand it. i was so angry i starated to hate all of them. there i wsa crying my heart out like my world had just ended and there they were, laughing and smiling. i know it wasn;t their fault but at that time i just wanted the whole world to stop. just stop. for me, so i could get over all that grief. it wasn't fair! bloody hell! why did i have to be the one to suffer. i mean, i feel cheated of time. she could have lived. she could have gotten better. what if she was just slightly ill. it could have been, it might have been, how the hell was i to know. all those things they said to make me cry less just made me cry more. it made me feel the guilt. that strong pang of blood chilling guilt. i just hate that. i don;t think i've cried this hard in years. i just suddenly don't know how to carry on. i can't feel happy anymore.i want that feeling back. but i want her back more. GOD, you said to trust in you. you told me what to do. but you didn't tell me how? what do i do? we were supposed to go out on thursday but in the emotional state i doubt i'll make it past wednesday. i hope i don't break down in the middle of school. the way she was carried out in a box. a cardboard box. a freakin' pathetic cardboard box! can you believe it?her eyes were still open. her fur was still soft. the same as before i left. before i walked out of that room. i was already crying. i knew it would be the last time i saw her. i just couldn't accept it. somehow i knew but didn't know it well enough. i still don't think i do. my mom had to tell the rest. they called. they probably cried too. i just couldn't control myself. that freakin doctor talking like it's ok. well you know what? it's not ok! i miss her. i want her back. i'm just so tired. i don't want to hear anyone tell me they missed her too or the want her back too. i already know that. all i want is for someone to tell me she's ok now, that she's happy. that it's ALL going to be alright. i want someone to just tell me those words of comfort. their not a lot, neither are they true. i just need to know how to get over it. maybe it's because since my grandfather died i've been filling everything else up with thoughts of death. i've bought books on ADCs, talked about it, read about it, most of my essays or books that i read someone dies... this year especially though. with philosophy it makes it go broader- euthanasia, death sentence, justice. i just wish i had spent more time with her. i really want her to know we loved her. we cared for her. we miss her. and we want her back. she was my friend. a great companion. a crazy gal. she was my dog. toffee.yup, that's her name. cute right?my cousin gave her to me. she was ill, very ill. she was 12. old, i know. she passed away today. she was put down at the vets. i couldn't bare to watch. not how they killed her. like in grey's anatomy. i was outside waiting by the car. i fell guilty of not spending enough time with her. i was selfish and stupid. i don't know what to do. i just want her back. i just want her real bad. i just walked out of the vets telling myself :" oh my GOD, oh my GOD," i wasn't cursng or sweaering. i meant it. i was yelling at GOD. i was just in shock. i wanted to ask him thousands of things. but now i don't. i can't think of what to say. i just want to cry again. |
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