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Where Did You Come From LadyElizabeth Tan♥ |
posted on Sunday, October 22, 2006i can't take this. i realy wish i could put her out of this misery soon. but i don't wanna let go of her. it hurts too much. i know i'm supposed to be against euthanasia but i can't do it. i can't let her go on like this. not eating. i can feel her bones pertruding out. it's that bad. to see her lying there, her eyes threatening to close and never open again. it hurts so much. i've cried numerous times about this. but it doesn't seem to help. will somebody please just tell me she'll be fine? i can't live like this. with her life hanging by a thread, she may not even awake to see light again. i'm so scared evertime she closes her eyes. i know i'm being selfish but i don't want her to go. it's just not fair. i thought she had about 8 more years? it's not fair! i just want to blame someone. tell them it's all their fault she's dying. maybe it's just so i can erase my own guilt. my eyes are so tired. their all puffy now. her are no better. she can't cry. she can't tell me how's she's feeling. or even reply when i ask for the millionth time if she knows that i care. i'm so sorry. that's all i can feel. that's all ic an say to her. i'm sorry. but she won't understand. so i pray to GOD and ask him to let her know i cared, i still care, and will always care. and that these tears are for her. oh, what i would give just to make her happy. i don't care if she won't eat them. i'm still going to buy them. i just can't imagine life without her. i never did in those 6/7 years. to magine mom clearing her things, to imagine the emptiness, the thought of no longer seeing that adorable face when i walk down the stairs or leave, not being able to hear her jumping in excitement hoping i'll gve her something. it just pains me as much as it would pain you. i don't know how to break the news to everyone else. i can't do this. i can't let her leave me. oh GOD, why must you do this? don't, please don't. i'm ready to get down on my knees in the middle of no where to beg you. just don't take her away. take me instead. please! my eyes and throat hurt a lot. this morning i wasn't sure i could open them. please. my pillow is soaked and it's terribly uncomfortable when i sleep. i don't want to deal with that pain again. i don't want monday to come. because i know, that's when we'll know. i wish i was more stupid. i hate knowing so much. why did i have to learn of these horrid things when you knew they would only bring my grief. i don't want to go there.i want to be with her. but don't want to be the one who has to see all that. i can barely see now/ why does it have to be her? dear LORD jus promise me she'll go to heaven. and that you;ll tell her we loved her and really wanted to save her. promise me that she'll be okay. it's the least you could do. i'm afraid. i'm just so scared now. that when monday comes and goes. all i'll have is a memory. that's it. nothing else but memories of her. i'm already admitting defeat because i know if i don't, it's going to hurt even more. |
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