porcelain fists & morning lullabies

2011-05-18T01:37:00.002+08:00

i shouldn't be here. i should seriously be getting some shit done but i can't not say goodbye to my blog.
like how i'm having to say goodbye to so many things.
gosh, just too many things have happened.
guitar, guitar guitar, what would i do without guitar? how would i have turned out? i never thought it would mean so much to me. and yet, a year has past and i'm handing all of it over to a new batch. at the end of four years in red cross and two years in council, i didn't feel as much as i do now after a year of guitar. all that slogging and crying and worrying and the extra frown lines that will probably show up soon, it was all worth it.
from the christmas concert, to the school performances with screwed up acoustics in the hall, the competition and syf rehearsals, syf itself and the heartbreaking disappointment after, and glissando, oh glissando.
after so long of being closed off, guitar taught me to breathe again. it taught me to feel and to show i feel, instead of giving that dead-pan face. i honestly think it brought back my laughter. and, maybe not the light, but a tiny sparkle of that girl who i used to be. it's been teaching me to care again. and i'm grateful for the people who helped make it happen.
i don't know what i'd do with the friends i've made and who've reminded me of who i used to be and help bring that girl back.

2011-02-01T22:04:00.002+08:00

you're drifting away,
i know.
but there's nothing more i can do.
i've tried and i still try
but you just don't fucking care, do you?
we don't talk like we used to
hell, we don't talk at all.
i've run out of conversation topics and questions to ask and jokes to tell. i'd like to try to tell you what's going on with my life and ask about yours but you're just not a part of my life anymore. and as much as i try to keep you part of it, it will only just annoy and bother you.
like some chore, some obligation to this girl you used to know.
so okay, i get it. people change. and i've done some pretty drastic changing back and forth, i don't expect you to get into that,
but could you at least reply my texts?
oh god, that sounds so effing petty. like some needy, attention-seeking retard.
but you know that's the only form of communication we have. if i stop, we'll just slip into strangers. and you know that deep down, you have to know by now, that all i'm really trying to do is what we promised to from the start;
i'm just trying to keep in touch.

2011-02-01T22:03:00.000+08:00

you're so fucking concerned with listening to your own view that you can't hear anyone else

2011-01-09T00:31:00.002+08:00

"sometimes i just don't know if ac and ki was the right choice"
- 27/6

but now i know it is.
a right choice isn't what it is because good things happen or because it necessarily advances your position in life, benefits you in the most obvious way.
this choice is what it is because a part of me still need to grow up and learn to cope away from home, away from safety and security.
it is the right choice because some way or another, whether i'm fully able to believe it or not, God brought me to it.
now i've got to make the most of it.
ac may never be able to give me the same warm fuzzy feeling that ij did but why should i expect that? it shouldn't stop me from feeling affiliation to it.
ki may be a departure from things and it may be scary at times, it may drive me crazy at times and it may be a challenge but, but what?
i chose it.
and i hate how blame it all so easily on a subject. like my faith was never strong enough to withstand the probing.
i hate how you twisted all the things i told you to fit your little delusion.
i hate how you did it behind my back.
i hate how i trusted you with my thoughts.
well, reality bites. you were never really trustworthy. poor judgement on my part.
but ki has made me realise a whole lot of things and so far, i've been ready to accept them and change my views about somethings.
but it's only been a year.
this year, it's ethics.
and i've been praying that i can get through this alive. maybe my pride may take quite a lashing, my thoughts and assumptions and beliefs might get muddied, my sense may be twisted and turned into a jumble, my faith may be trampled on
but hopefully, i recover.

You said to lean on Your arm, and i am leaning;
You said to trust in Your love, and i am trusting;
You said to call on Your name, and i am calling;
i'm stepping out on Your word.

-Maya Angelou

Briane by Boyce Avenue

2010-11-18T23:44:00.003+08:00

you're ashamed about all your fears and doubts;
of how i hurt you
can you make it back from the aftermath;
and how i left you
nobody wants to be alone
with the fear of letting go
if you could hear me say it's gonna be okay,
would you be okay?

and though i've gone away
i still see what you're going through
it kills me everyday
to know i killed what meant most to you
so when you pass my grave
leave a rose for what might have been
but know that it's okay
to shed your fears and find love again.

for better, worse you're the one
i never thought i'd hurt.
but looking back on these dreams
if nothing is what it seems
know that you'll wake up to better things

and though i've gone away
i still see what you're going through
it kills me every day to know i killed what meant most to you
so when you pass my grave
leave a rose for what might have been
but know that it's okay
to shed your fears and find love again.

i hear you say:
i dont know how and i don't know why
but there will come one day when i will tell you all the things inside
just know there's someone above here to help you

and though i've gone away
i still see what you're going through
it kills me every day to know i killed what meant most to you
so when you pass my grave
leave a rose for what might have been
but know that it's okay
to shed your fears and find love again.

- Briane,
Boyce Avenue

2010-10-15T01:35:00.000+08:00

i feel like being a bitch. haven't been one in quite a while

2010-09-06T19:49:00.004+08:00

i don't think i've ever spammed my own mind (and stomach) with so much rubbish.
bad movies galore. hahaha. i've effectively wasted a lot of my holiday already watching:
taylor swift music videos
maroon 5 music videos (i didn't even bother to finish watching some of them.)
when in rome
letters to juliet
valentine's day
the covenant
the last one was for toby hemingway. hahaha. there are a lot of cute guys in that movie, i'll admit. letters was just crap. really bad. valentine's day was... okay. the cute lil blond kid got to me. hahaha.

need need need to start work. but i just really want a break. i want this holiday to be one. i want to sleep well and have fun. i want to stop having to give up all this time for this stupid rat race, and progressive inflation of qualifications. all this time; it's supposed to belong to me. it was meant to be time away from all this shit. when did i sell my soul and life for a future as a slave to the system?

2010-08-09T23:51:00.003+08:00

If thou could'st empty all thyself of self,
Like to a shell disinhabited,
Then might He find thee on the ocean shelf,
And say, "This is not dead,"
And fill thee with Himself instead.

But thou art all replete with very thou
And hast such shrewd activity,
That when He comes He says, "This is enow
Unto itself - 'twere better let it be,
It is so small and full, there is no room for Me."

~Sir Thomas Browne

2010-07-30T23:38:00.003+08:00

i don't know why it still is.
but i can't help it.

i've tried and tried to say what's on my mind.
but it always gets too close -
and i recoil.
i flinch,
i shrink into myself.
some psycho analysis might suggest it stems from a deep need to protect myself.
but i'm tired of that, that fear. because it seems that the only way i know how to protect myself is to distance and cut off people from my life. it's it's just what i've been doing for the past year and a half.

and soon it will be 2 years.
and i will be

2010-07-10T21:11:00.002+08:00

talking to cass the other day before pe made me realise a lot of things,
and just how stupid i've been.

maybe it was because i knew what it meant and i wanted that.
i wanted things to be so different.
maybe it was because all along i thought it could be an exception this time.
but we're just the rule.

but there was something she said that i wish she didn't. because it's given me false hope before i've even fully given up. and i shouldn't be thinking still, i shouldn't keep wishing, but deep down i want to be convince that this time it mattered and this time it was real.

coming alive

2010-07-04T13:15:00.003+08:00

friday was great.
even though it rained,
and i was late (we were supposed to meet at 4.30 but i pushed it back to 5.30 and i only managed to get there at 6)
and so many were coming late,
friday was great.
and it was all thanks to (roughly in order of arrival)
caroline, emily, joanne, daffy, jane, sam, mary ann, wendy, baba and beatrice
*counts the names* yes, right. 11 of us. hahaha.
ate at carl's jr and practically cordoned off a whole section for ourselves. of course we took the area with the high chairs for our vertically challenged friends, and it also happened to be the section closest to the drinks :D
so there we were, cutting up burgers, shooting insults at each other, listening to beatrice's bad chinese, bullying the midgets, refilling out drinks with the wrong tea(okay, maybe that was just me), mixing strange concoctions to make what daffy calls high juice and camwhoring. what can i say, we're family :D
then off to find dessert while mang went on her camera spree.
ended up at swenses'. yay, squashed ourselves at a table meant for about 8.
headed for home at about... 10+? maybe 11.
camwhoring on the train was quite hard with somebody's short arms. hahaha.
it was like finding myself again. but it scares me that i'm so dependent upon the security of familiar company to bring out who i am. i don't remember being like this previously.
i miss ij. but it's so great that after not seeing each other since... feb or march, we still come together like we've been going to the same school all the while. it's not that we're too comfortable with each other. we just are. comfortable. with each other.

and back to reality, terms sucked big time and i have chinese oral on tuesday. life is great. it's just school that sucks.

2010-07-01T16:40:00.001+08:00

Set me free why don't-cha baby
Get out my life why don't-cha baby
Cause' you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on
(ohh ohh)
You don't really need me
But you keep me hangin' on
Why do you keep on comin' around
Playing with my heart
Why don't you get out of my life
And let me make a new start
Let me get over you
The way you've gotten over me
(hey)
Set me free why don't-cha baby
Let me be why don't-cha baby
Cause' you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on
(ohh ohh)
No you don't really want me
You just keep me hangin' on
You say though we broke up
You still wanna be just friends
But how can we still be friends
When seeing you only breaks my heart again
And there ain't nothing I can do about it
(Whoa whoa whoa)
Set me free why don't-cha baby
Get out my life why don't-cha baby
You don't really love me
But just keep me hangin' on
You claim you still care for me
But your heart still needs to be free
Now that you've got your freedom
You wanna still hold on to me
You don't want me for all yourself
So let me find somebody yes
(hey hey)
Why don't-cha be a man about it
And set me free
Now, you don't care a thing about me
You just use me
(ohh ohh)
Go on, get out, get out of my life
And let me sleep at night, please
Cause you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on

2010-06-21T23:40:00.002+08:00

I don’t know you
But I want you
All the more for that

Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can’t react

And games that never amount
To more than they’re meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You’ll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can’t go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I’m painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You’ve made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I’ll sing along

it's so strange how sometimes just when i think i've found the perfect song for someone, it seems to turn around. and it ends up that that one person is singing this to me. i can almost hear it.

2010-06-11T01:26:00.001+08:00

okay. i did not do my homework in the end.

but i just feel so restless. i neeeed to get out and have fun. grrrr.

girls just wanna have fun

2010-06-05T23:40:00.002+08:00

i must start doing my work tmr.

so now i must seize the day. hahaha.
it's been really busy and will continue this way till after terms. whoo.
the last week of term was a nightmare. but some of it was fun.
like the dinner with dad's friends which took quite a while to get from awkward to fun.
staying up till 4am to finish my ki essay before pre-u sem however, was not fun. and i am going to fail it. this sucks.

but pre-u sem totally made up for that lousy week :D
awesome groupmates and memories, awesome speakers like pm lee and thaddeus lawrence, awesome jokes and lame pick-up lines and awesome ij girls that went too! it was great seeing fran, marian and grassy (:
not so awesome: court shoes that cause blisters and aches, a wayy-too-big formal attire skirt, warm weather, messy hair that needs to be cut and getting cut by someone's heels. plus, getting sabotaged by my groupmates. but that's an embarrassing story for another time. heh.
all the little retarded things that my group did still crack me up. like singkapore, camwhoring (new olympic sport!), the groups; the sisterhood of ice lemon tea, agf, aa.. and ohemgeee, scandals! hahaha. love group 18, seriously. even though i only got all the names right on like, the 4th day? heh. prior to that i was calling people by their school - nj! ri! or just, eh you!
learning journey to a hospital was not so fun. but doing the reflections after that was! :D crapping and making so much noise. plus drawing butterflies? ahahaha.

meritocracy ftw.

2010-05-25T23:47:00.002+08:00

i'm tired and i'm crying and i'm so fcking pissed off.
and all you can do is tell me about your frigging tests and how YOU have no life?
i'm the idiot with no life because i keep trying to hold us together.
i'm so sick and tired of trying for you when you don't give a damn.
i tried. i tried so many times. and i even felt bad for getting mad at you
but i don't now.
can you just stop being the problem and try solving this one?
forget it, don't even try. that way we can both stop and there won't be a problem.
because there won't be an 'us' anymore.
screw you, seriously.
don't come around acting like i shouldn't expect you to revolve around our friendship when your the ass who's doing that to me, making me change and re-organise and re-plan everything.
so let's get this straight. you are not the centre of my universe.
and i'm sorry. i mistook you for someone else
"someone who gave a damn, somebody more like myself"
and to think that i spent so much time, overshot my sms limit again and inconvenienced my friends for this shit.

2010-05-20T22:11:00.002+08:00

i'm so pissed off.
i just feel like letting it rip. screaming at everyone.
i hate thursdays. nothing ever goes right
i hate chinese. it's such a burden
i hate econs and math. they're a complete waste of my time.
i hate you. for making me feel like nothing, nobody all the time
i hate that i can't go for ij fiesta and that it's being made worse by some people
i hate it when you keep bothering me for your own selfish reasons. go screw yourself, seriously.

2010-05-06T23:41:00.002+08:00

nianci's fb post made me remember the song.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

such a beatiful song.

2010-05-02T22:28:00.002+08:00

it has been a very good birthday weekend. yes. time to elaborate.

starting with friday.

submitted the blasted PI. FINALLY. so relieved. after an entire week of not sleeping properly and falling ill.
enjoyed archery during pe even though i suck quite badly. hahaha. i think the week before was just beginners luck.
hung out at the bleachers with classmates. talking about all sorts of nonsense and laughing and screaming. then we went to al ameen to eat dinner. waiting for the bus and the bus ride was super fun. hahaha. got to sleeeeep.

saturday!
math tuition. judith woke me up at 915 asking if i was going for tuition at 9...
i went at 11.
came home, bummed around. went to church(:
we went to centrepoint. ate at astons and ate something called the superburger. it was figgin huge. and, i almost finished it kay. i know i'm a pig. let's move on.
bought the black shirt that i need for the guitart concert next saturday which is preventing me from going for aep reunion. that aside, bumbling about with jie was fun.
she gave me my present at 12 midnight. it's a book! plato and the platypus. a joke book on philosophy. hahaha. just what i need. it's super cute.

sunday
woke up late again.
dim sum lunch! i got to order. hahaha. which i know i suck at cause i take ages when it comes to deciding on food. got to slack around and read my books and cute messages from friends. and i have a cheesecake in the fridge! :D
looking forward to breakfast tmr.
maybe i should go do my work now so that i can go out again tmr. hmmm. yes yes. i should. hahaha.

2010-05-02T16:20:00.002+08:00

417th post.

my 17th birthday is turning out to be so much better than my 16th :D

this entire weekend is good(:

and i'm so grateful i have such wonderful friends. and a sweet sister. and funny parents. only that, they don't know they're funny.

thank you God.

i really miss her today.

2010-04-26T23:26:00.002+08:00

i see it now.
i see how we're pulling apart, pushing away

and i don't like it.
i've poured out so much effort to try and keep this together without annoying you, without encroaching into your life, but you don't care. you just leave it there for the wind to carry away.

i've focussed so much on not forgetting you that i've blocked off other people from coming into my life. why do i keep doing that?

2010-04-24T23:21:00.002+08:00

i'm always distracted on weekends.
there is no hope of finishing all my homework this weekend.
or starting on my beliefs essay.
darn.

we started on archery in pe! :D
and i'm not that bad at it. i just took a bit longer to get it. hahaha.
at least i made it to the second last round of the lousy competition thing. hahaha. he said we'd get a free drink.
but before pe i went to sp to visit beatrice!
it took me 20 minutes to get there.
i saw her for 10 mins and then she had to go home.
then it took me another 20mins to get back.
worth it to see her and get my $50 and get treated to a free drink?
yes. hahaha. but mainly for the first 2 reasons.
i am no longer broke. and i met 2 of her classmates who convinced her to buy a drink for me.
green tea. it's been ages since i last drank that.

went to the expensive jap guild house today and ate black seasame ice cream. it's not that bad actually. it just takes a bit to get used to. they have cute chopstick things which hold the tip of the chopstick up. hahaha, i was so tempted to steal it.

i realised the library is nice and quiet when everyone is at gp. very condusive for sleeping :D

just saw the wedding card for waikin & liz's wedding. yay, i am excited and hope that the food will be really good. hahaha.

2010-04-23T00:46:00.003+08:00

i'm so annoyed at you right now.
i really don't want to fight.
i don't want to be snarky.
i don't want to end up bitching about you.
and i know you find my decisions unpleasant but it's not easy for me to make them either.

i miss it too.

2010-04-16T23:38:00.002+08:00

i don't think i've ever missed someone this much.

the first cut isn't the deepest.
it just gets worse from there.

come back, come back to me.

i don't think i've ever begged so earnestly for something i know i can't have.

why'd you have to go.

2010-04-13T23:15:00.003+08:00

a playlist consisting of:

away from the sun - 3 doors down
scars - allison iraheta
tell me why - taylor swift
let it be - katie stevens' version from AI
and lots of kris allen; send me all your angels, before we come undone, i need to know. those are the main ones.

i wish i could close my eyes and make it go away

2010-04-10T23:30:00.005+08:00

life needs to retain some sort of noramlity.
or does it?
i don't mind things changing. just what changes and the way they change/ that, i mind.

but funorama's long over. i seriously failed at scaring people. i was too scared myself. and the light kept dying on me. to all the people who came in and shouted my name when they saw me, oi! you could have at least pretended to be scared! ahaha.
and no thanks to those people who took flash photography.

i couldn't really spend time with friends! but thanks anyway to beatrice, steph, daffy, jane, baba, haoteng and yw and all the rest who came. even though not all of yall bought tickets from me, (and as a result i had to pay for those remaining ones) it was nice seeing you guys.

what else? watched remember the titans again. hahaha. couldn't help screaming at the gay scene. love that movie (not because of the gay thing.)

easter virgil! my dad's turn to be a sponsor and godparent to his friend! haha. pass it on, right? so it was st peter and paul. omgosh, we had to be there super early. but we got good seats(: quite close to the ffront. we were actually like, the first row after the reserved pews. the bonfire was kinda wet? yeah, it rained! there was still a slight drizzle when we began. the whole thing was just so long. i don't want to whine, but, i don't remember st iggy's or holy spirit's being that long... maybe it's just me. but the filling of the font in the middle of the readings was... very unglam and distracting! turns out, yunhan was serving mass. i thought i got it wrong cause i wasn't wearing glasses. yeah, we were supposed to be discussing pre-u sem stuff online. hahaa. mang didn't come! ):

oh well. that was the wasted long weekend. i keep missing math tuition. this sucks. i've overslept like 3, 4? times? aiyee, not good. i should get down to work now. hockey match; why'd it have to rain? but met many ij girls. i never realised i'd miss some of them so much. makes you appreciate the small things in life that you always thought were normal.

starting to really hate work. i just don't feel like doing anything. i mean, comeon! it's the weekend! even adults seem to have more time. seriously, i get up earlier and reach home the same time as my dad. okay, the reach home part is only on some days, but still! i hate public transport. stupid people who don't know how to use their God-given legs! they can go screw themselves seriously. i can't believe they had the audacity to give me that look! like it was my fault? i was holding 4 times the amount of stuff they were and struggling to keep balance. urgh, it's just so embarrassing to be singaporean when you're taking the bus. yes, i am still fuming at the stupid people on bus 165 who refused to move to the centre of the bus but stared at me like it was my responsibility to squash myself between them and the seats to get there.

i hate public transport.

2010-04-09T23:00:00.004+08:00

i'm going to try to talk about it.
because it happened and i'm tired of pretending it's okay or hiding it or ignoring the implications. and i thank megan for giving me the encouragement to do this.
it's been a year and almost 4 months.

all this while in my head, my answer to the question "what happened?" was always "life happened."
but no, it was death. death that came and took away the past year, death that made my world spin so hard and so fast i didn't know it was spinning till the end of it came and knocked me out cold and hard on what now is ground but was once the opposite.

i'm not proud of these battle scars; just looking at them hurts. but i need to come clean with it; i'm broken. deep down, a lot more than i'll ever want to show. and that's why i keep pushing you away because i can't let you see the mess. i'm not normal. i'm not always okay. i not who i used to be. i'm not anyone right now.

2010-04-09T22:00:00.002+08:00

life feels so screwed up.
it passes me by and i don't even bother to catch it.
i was wrong about living.

2010-03-30T23:16:00.001+08:00

someone please tell me what the hell am i doing?

2010-03-23T00:15:00.003+08:00

i should just say it.
i think it's time that i stop avoiding these thoughts.

you don't have to survive it to be triumphant.
as long as you have
fought the good fight,
kept the faith and
finished the race
yes, i believe that you have won.

i don't believe that she lost that battle.
she didn't give up, no not at all.
so we paid a very high price, to fight this war with her.
and perhaps we still pay it everyday
but i can proudly say that we stood by her through all 3 battles;
in the process we had our hearts torn, our hopes lost, our health suffered,
our confidence, our comfort, our carefree thoughts - all snatched from us
but alas, the one thing that could not be taken away;
she chose to leave. and i don't blame her for it.

2010-03-22T19:36:00.002+08:00

okay, the reason why everybody is blaming jack neo is because
it was his damn bloody fault what!
it's not the women's fault for stepping out, regardless of their motive,
but what he did was down-right despicable and digusting.
he is nothing but a toothless rat. shameless as well. i can't believe he suggested to film a bloody movie of the event. have you no sensitivity to his wife's feelings?! or his children for that matter. does he think by doing that it will prove just how sorry he is? what an idiot.

and now i'm going to rant at some innane person.
i bet you don't even know. i'm just so sick and tired of this. if you want out, then fine. but i thought it was mutually agreed to keep in touch. yet you shut me out of your life most of the time. it's like you don't want to be part of mine anymore. and that hurts cause i still want you to be. going to different schools doesn't mean i'm going to get a whole new life away from you or anything. are you angry at me or something? cause that's how all your replies (which is not a lot since you ignore most of my questions) sound.
i don't want to be angry at you when i don't know what's going on. but that's the problem isn't it. now our lives are so separated and different. i try to tell you things not because i need you to know about my life. but because i want you to, so that you can be part of it and when i expect you to say something about yours you just give some lousy line about how it's as usual.
everyday i feel that distance growing and pushing us apart. i can't stand that. especially after i'm sure we both thought there was a really high possibility that we'd be spending these 2 years together. so how can you just drop it like that when i'm still reeling and need that kind of comfort from a friend like you?

oh this is all self-indulgent crap. i can't figure out what exactly makes me so angry at this person, but i still am.

2010-03-21T00:01:00.003+08:00

march holidays suck. they're not even holidays; they're self-cramming periods. and it's exceptional hard on those who have short attention spans.
my father says mine is about 2 seconds long. that's nice to know.

anywayyy, i shouldn't have gone out on thursday. but i don't regret it. hahaha.
i left the house at about 1030. mom dropped my sister and me off at bishan mrt. was super early to meet baba. we agreed 1130 to watch the 1230 alice in wonderland show at bugisjunction. i was there at 1045? and baba was of course late. hahaha. i told her to look for me in kino when she arrived. but for some reason she smsed me that she was standing outside... hiding behind a sign board. she's a tad too tall to miss. but i love her retardedness. i miss it so much in ac. mang came!
alice was quite good i guess. just that i prefer the classic. i still don't like 3d, it gives me headaches and the glasses are super uncomfortable. went shopping after that with the two. they're like twidledee and twiddle dum ((: haha. i just love them. clowning around in j.co before they accompanied me to nlb. my og was kinda supposed to study there but i already suspected none of them would. of course bringing mang and baba wasn't the best idea cause i didn't get any work done with them around either. but it was fun! heee.
after they left i went to look for nicolecheong. andd we went to marina square together. we met jerry and renaldy and nicole's uncle... but anyway, we were in the arcade watching jerry and renaldy play some violent game when joanna came. next was erm, who? oh, darren. then we went to starbucks to wait for the rest.

oh! then my mom texted me to tell me i got the scholarship. oh, praise God. that morning i was just lying in bed hindsighting (again) about the interview and thinking "oh crap, i screwed it up." then i went into this 15 min thing where i tried to psycho myself into believing that it wasn't a big deal. oh i am so relieved. and so extremely sorry to those who i poured my anxieties out to; beatrice, ms ong, joey, arielene, jie, judith and all, i'm so sorry i get so agitated!

and back to og dinner - zanhong came. then we went to just acia and talked about all sorts of retarded stuff. oh gosh, we each had to tell an embarrassing story. hahaha. i still think joanna's owns all of ours.

i got back home around 1030 that night. i've given up watching idol. andrew garcia is not good anymore ))):

i have been slacking around this whole holiday. i am so doomed. i just realised i have more chinese homework to do. but chinese isn't due on monday anyway. omg, mass pe is on monday again! i'm going to die. and my classmates have very nicely pointed out that because of funorama prep and good friday, my class is missing swim pe twice. hurrah. i get to delay my embarrassment. andrea was super funny in math tuition today when she found out about our swim pe. she thinks that guys and girls should swim separately. and guys should be banned from wearing speedos in front of girls. hahaha. she's so cute.

maybe it really is time for me to open up and stop judging.
i've been so...
resistent of late. i keep pushing these things away.
so maybe i should stop and let them in because i've reached that stage where it's just up to me if i really want to move on.

2010-03-16T00:00:00.001+08:00

Yesterday, I woke up
With your head on my arm
My hand was numb
Circulation gone
But I dared not move the pretty sleeping one

The sun had painted
Patterns on your face
As you breathed Sunday air
You rolled onto
My open arm
I became your pillow; you let me smooth your hair

I will sing you morning lullabies
You are beautiful and peaceful this way
I know you have to close your eyes on everyone
Let me help you, I'll sing you to sleep
With morning lullabies

Let me lie in the curve
Of your body tonight
And I will hear you tumble into sleep
I will watch you heal, watch you heal with me

I will sing you morning lullabies
You are beautiful and peaceful this way
I know you have to close your eyes on everyone
Let me help you, to sing you sleep
With morning lullabies

I know you have to close
Your eyes on everyone
Let me help you I'll sing you to sleep
With morning lulla-bye, bye, baby
Close your eyes and I will sing you
Morning lullabies
And I will sing you
Morning lullabies

ingrid michaelson

i love this song

2010-03-14T23:46:00.002+08:00

402!

4/2 dinner(:
the pain just to get ther was worth it.

i think i shall just go out with mainly ij people this week. i mean, okay, maybe i'll go for og dinner or something. but i really just want to spend time with family y'know? i'm gonna be seeing ac people for the next 2 years. i'll have plenty of time to get to know them and whatever.

but with ij people i don't have to be anyone. i don't have to think before i say something or feel like i'm wearing this armour. i'm just so much more comfortable. i don't hate ac. but if someone asks me one more time if i'm happy in ac, i really just can't lie anymore. it's not that i'm not happy in ac, it's just that you're indirectly asking me if i'm happy being away from ij. and we both know damn well, i'm not. how could i be?

sometimes i hear this voice in my head going "okay, i just don't want to do this anymore." and i think, do what?

okay, time to suck it up. school isn't about being happy. life isn't about being happy.

2010-03-13T00:03:00.003+08:00

i'm so tired of this.
already.

"What a luxury it was for people to hold their loved ones whenever they wanted" - p.s. i love you

what did i last blog about? oh. homework. and as it turns out, it was supposed to be just one essay for ki, i didn't hear the instructions. so yes, i wrote 3 essays then rewrote them into a really messy one.

scholarship interview was fine. be honest, i don't remember it already.
pre-u sem is coming along fine.

omg wednesdayyy! i went back to ij to pick up my aep prep and met nadya! it was hilarious. she was just about to walk down the stairs and then she turns back and we both scream, run and pracitcally half-collide, half-hug each other. my shoulder joints hurt the next day but it was totally worth it.
wednesday again! i went out with beatrice and judith to thomson plaza (my mom said not too far) for dinner. ate at sushi teh(hahaha. i miss mr teh's math lessons) then went to swensen's for ice cream. and i can't believe i said i was going to start spending less. it totally didn't work. and i still owe beatrice money!
rushed home at around 10. hahaha. we didn't realise it was so late! and judith had a chem test the next day. oops. i still managed to finish my chinese homework though. and i was completely zoned out for the next day. most of the time i just stared blankly at the teacher pretending to be paying attention.

i did that today too. but i got caught during econs. i didn't do my tutorial yet. hahaha. jerry tried giving me the answer even though i already drew the wrong ppc.
math was crazy. amelia bullying jing quan(but for the record, jq was kinda mean) and grace disturbing dave. hahaha. our math tutor seriously doesn't care about us. and pe was absolutely high. and embarrassing. i fell while doing hurdles. but at least it wasn't that clumsy kinda fall where you scrap your knee and hands and whatever. i just sort of skidded on the track and landed with a sort of fump. it hurt, but no open wounds. and it has just convinced me that jc pe is terrifying. plus, i need to tighten my shoe laces. my shoe nearly fell off while jumping. the ac track is for some reason slippery. ij's track is better. even if it's not well paved and older. it still is better (because it's 200m and we can only run up to lane 3. it's cramped but that means you get to talk to your friends without having to be too loud.) i hate mass pe.

and ki is fun! why doesn't anyone believe me!? just that there's an incredible amount of notes and reading to do this holidays. and i'm already juggling 4 outings. this is not good. i should sleep now so that i can make the best out of tmr and be allowed to go for 4/2 outing.

talked with nianci, arielene and sasha before pe today. just us good ol' ij girls full of honest talk. it was nice(: i think we're going to turn it into some regular thing before pe.

2010-03-06T22:35:00.002+08:00

freaked out? terribly so.
i think i literally have a mountain of homework. i don't even think i've ever had this much homework since... since... since?
i have:
3 KI essays (each 300-500 words justifying 3 different beliefs or our choice)
1 chinese essay
1 econs essay
section c of econs tutorial 1
math tutorial 2
interview prep!
pre-u sem research
and not to mention, i haven't read my ki notes and i'm still dead tired
this week is not ending well.

on better note, i'm just relieved and extremely happy for my sister. she got a for math! hahaha. okay, 7As didn't get her top arts student in nj, but second is pretty good still. and she was top councillor anyway. ahahaha, i'm so happy for her, i think i can afford to boast on her behalf.

yay. no guitar this week. i get to go out for dinner with judith and beatrice i hope! :D holidays are coming! and so is aep graduates outing!

2010-03-03T19:04:00.002+08:00

i feel like curling up to cry because i miss my friends so much.

but i should be happy, i guess. i was shortlisted for the humanities scholarship interview. oh, that part was a relief. but now i'm not so sure what to do. i really hope it turns out okay.

i'm too tired to type anything substantial. i just want dinner to be cooked soooon. we had some leadership thing today and learnt how to cut the muah chee from dave, the muah chee boy. i tried to crash gp lecture since i didn't want to be alone but the tutor was absent. so we all just went to the void deck to eat. i think the AHs' fun-o-rama is gonna be totally awesome. my thoughts are all really disconnected right now. i want dinner.

You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather.

Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.

You're always brilliant in the morning,
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you.
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.
You'd teach me of honest things
Things that were daring, things that were clean
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean
So I hid my soiled hands behind my back
Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you

Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.

You took your coat off,
Stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.

foolish games by jewel.

2010-03-02T22:23:00.002+08:00

if you ask once, i'll tell you twice.

sorry, that was random.

i was being totally random during pw today. it was a lecture anyway, and my class was sitting right in front so it got boring pretty fast. i hope cassandra doesn't mind me defacing the pages of her pw notes.

ki is quite fun still. though most of the time i'm just completely stoning already. tuesdays are bad days. very few breaks )):

but i got into pre-u sem. i think that's supposed to be a plus point. i hope it is. because i'm starting to doubt why i even applied in the first place. i mean, i have such a short attention span and i'm exhausted easily and i'm already worried about the 4 h2s thing. omg, elizabeth estelle tan, what the hell were you thinking? oh right, you were thinking that you were still in like, sec 2 where you liked handling a thousand and one other projects at one go. i have to wake up and stop doing stupid things. like drinking pearl milk tea at night.

okay, focus on the moment. so, pre u sem, please please please don't disappoint me. i gave up cap for you!

and the list of those who got through to the next round for the humanities scholarship is out. i swear i could hyperventilate.

2010-03-01T18:11:00.001+08:00

"Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go".

gonna keep on trying.

2010-02-27T16:44:00.004+08:00

for the life of me, i can't remember what i really wanted to post about.
but anyway, this week has been terribly FULL.
my new timetable kinda sucks.
i end at 12.30 on mondays, but no break inbetween plus there's mass pe.
i end at 4.30 on fridays but i have this huge 2 hour break just before pe.
i also end at 4.30 on thursdays and guitar starts at 4.30. plus the last lesson is chineeese.
don't have many breaks anymore. and i always can't find my class after ki.
the library is very condusive for sleeping now that less people hang out there.

cross country was on wednesday. went there with my classmates and we did a lot of stupid things. hung out with my og most of the time though i ran the last part of the mass run with kristen. haha. i just love her. she's so cute and accident prone. thank goodness, she didn't fall!
went for og dinner after all that. and we took so long to decide where to eat! but it was quite fun even though it ended early.
i took public transport all the way home, okay. it took damn long and i was dead tired. plus, it was dark. so i called beatrice to keep me company. hahaha.
turns out, my dad was already home so i could have just called him to fetch me. hmmm.

thursday was wonderful. we went back to ij to "sell coupons"! :D
and i was so emotional i thought i was going to cry just being near the school. and i have never been more enthusiastic in greeting any security guard. hahaha. and i miss being able to walk on the track. mr singh's first reaction was to ask us why we were to free. hahaha. not even a hello.
then we went to eat. hahaha. recess hadn't started! so we took advantage of the empty canteen.
we saw ms puja too. found out her nephew is in ac. (so she didn't buy coupons from us)huh. the world is too small.
mrs alex was in school! she gave court, arielene and me $10 each. hahaha. she said she was feeling rich that day. mr f tan only bought one ticket and then said he had no more money. we kept pestering him. but i guess that's quite a lot considering that he's from sji. all the other male teachers from sji refused to buy. even glared at us. omg, mr chan refused to talk to us even! why must everyone hate acs so much? we went hunting for mrs tan al. found her in the science lab and we were talking to her through the window. but it was great seeing her. another kleenex moment. mr teh was adorable, as usual. gosh, i miss his math lessons. i miss his voice! hahaha. and omg! we actually went to visit chen lao shi! she still remembers us! well, she remembered me for being a councillor and my untidy handwriting cause she said they didn't go. hahaha. she gave us really funny advice on jc life. and oh! mrs selvam! i never thought i'd miss chem! seriously! i'm totally eating my words right now. hahaha. but i really wanted to attend her class one more time. i miss chem )): court and me also visited mrs matthews! she said that we should have brought guys with us. hahaha. she was a strange way of giving advice on this sort of thing.

but yeah, you can guess. we wasted a lot of time. i only sold that one ticket to mrs alex. worth it? totally(: wouldn't have traded it for the pw, lit, math and econs lessons that i missed. i still had to go back to ac anyway. there was ki, chinese and guitar after that. the j2s stole our ki notes. hahaha. and i was the earliest for chinese after ki so i was obliged to make small talk with lao shi in rusty chinese.

life is going back to normal again. and i overshot my sms limit even after all the calculation and rationing of smses. this sucks. i need a new plan.

2010-02-21T16:37:00.003+08:00

elizabeth estelle tan, you are going to be in big trouble.

but that aside, friday was a good day.
i only had one lecture, econs and then i was free till contact time. so esther, vanessa and me went to the gym. yes, the gym. hahaha. this time i actually did do something and i know my secondary school friends are wondering if i hit my head a little too hard or too many times.

but after school was the best! i successfully smuggled steph in and introduced her to some of my classmates while we talked at the bleachers. got up and left at about 3.30? i don't really remember. steph and me stopped at city hall. loke was already there. so we just waited for caroline and wendy. i couldn't help saying how much i missed being around catholic people and humble people and well, just ij people. it's not that i feel unwelcomed because ac's methodist. but it's just different. maybe it's just me but i've been in catholics schools for 13 years.

we walked to marina square? and waited at the rather empty foodcourt. after a while some of us were just too hungry and bought dinner first. daffy, joanne, jane and sam came next. gosh, it was great to see them too.
daffy kept making fun of jane's uniform(totally unwarranted since hers is the colour of a sanitary bin), said i looked like a rich kid in ac uniform and still calls me a taitai.
joanne is still as short. still wears her baggy clothes. still has her long hair. and she had the year book!
jane and her mega-watt smile! gosh, i love her smile (: her uniform doesn't look that bad. daffy was probably just jealous. hahaha.
sam uses my post-its! even though they're pink. haha. that's supposed to remind her of me :D
beatrice, and emily finally came.
but wendy had to leave early cause her mom didn't allow her to eat dinner with us. so after we ate the rest of us went to carl's jr where sam, daffy, joanne and jane were. we squashed ourselves at 2 tables that we joined together and ordered refilled that one cup several times. yes, there were like 6 straws in it. we are such cheapskates. talking is nice. it is fun and does not require as much effort as bowling.

took the mrt home with beatrice and emily. by the time mom picked me up and we reached home it was about 10? super exhausted but it was all worth it. we only took like 2 pictures. hahaha. cause beatrice's camera is kinda cumbersome and expensive! but it was such a great day.
i love my friends.

and i'm going back to ij on thursday to sell coupons! can't tell you how exciting that is(:

now, i have stuff to do before i get into bigger trouble.

2010-02-21T00:57:00.003+08:00

okay, elizabeth tan su lin. stop crying. i know, i know. but you have to grow up. life can't always be that comfortable squishy place called ij.
you have to meet the outside world.
you have to learn how to fight for yourself and for others.
you have to be wise and independent.
but ij will always be home.

i want to go home.

2010-02-18T22:08:00.003+08:00

guitar is horrible.
correction: i am horrible at guitar
i'm in a class where practically almost everyone has some sort of musical or guitar background even if it's not formal training. and i am worse than a sotong. even a sotong could be better than me. i can't side read notes. i can't remember anything to do with piano in the first place. oh no.

today was quite fun. we didn't really do much? hahaha. esther and me wasted most of the morning in the library. i tried to do econs. i really tried. i just don't understand the question. hahaha. esther went to the gym after math while i was at lit. so i just followed zining and winston to the gym too. met jerry, ee teng and zan hong there too. so since zining and me weren't in proper attire, we just walked around looking at the equipment while i waited for esther to bathe. we compared our weights and heights. i don't feel any better. i think i feel worse.

after school i went with rachel and jing quan to drop off the testimonial at moe. omg, we walked past the traffic light and had to walk really far to the next one because of that. and now i'm not even sure they got my email because the person says she's not in office till 22 feb. like, wth? but whatever. it's not my fault. went back to school and stoned with charmaine, dave and han xiong in the void deck. after the ell people came back, i grabbed my stuff and went to hang out with my og again in the library (again, haha) i tried looking for jasmine but couldn't find her. i did my lit. i'm very proud of myself for reading half of it. or about there. so then we all split up for guitar. i like the group i'm in. but i'm really afraid i might end up holding them back.

class fund raising was awesome. awesomely hot ice cream. yes? yes.

i'm super excited about seeing everyone tmr. everyone being steph, beatrice, joanne, sam, loke, wendy, caroline and and and i can't remember all. hahaha. i'm going to smuggle, or at least try to smuggle, steph in from acsib. the uniform looks pretty much the same so we'll just try not to draw attention to ourselves. hahaha. can't wait.

2010-02-16T14:05:00.003+08:00

what is wrong with me?
i don't seem to want to be happy in ac.
i mean, i am. but ij is supposed to be and always going to be the best. and i'm not ready to let go of that.
yeah, so in the meantime i'm just going to make myself miserable by reminding myself of how ij used to be?
it's time to grow up. sure, it sucks, but there's an even greater price to pay if i don't.
so please, just let me be glad in ac and stop attacking me. i want to be proud of my school and i don't care whether it's rich, makes me pay for tonnes of things or methodist.

cny was boring. and sweltering. and my hands are blistered.
got to wear my new dress, but i felt overdressed since no one really dresses up on my dad's side of the family. i didn't sell fun-o-rama tickets to them since i don't talk to them in the first place. i still don't know their names.
i went to hortpark yesterday with my family. and at 12.05 the siren suddenly rang out and gave everyone a shock. and yes, as the red cross-er, i thought it my duty to yell out "it's total defence dayee!" like it was actually christmas of something.
after that my dad brought mom, jie and me to play golf. omg, i'm not that bad after all! hahaha. sorry, mom. but anyway, we ended up with ugly blisters. i've tried aloe vera, cold water, ice cubes, moisturiser and holy water. and yes, it is subsiding.
finally at night we had pohpiah for dinner with my mom's side of the family(who i actually talk to!) but the whole sji-hates-acs thing got in the way, so i couldn't sell my fun-o-rama tickets again. maybe it wasn't such a bright idea to wear a shirt with acjc printed in huge font.
we made our own pohpiahs. my first one wasn't that bad. the other two just... couldn't stay together. ate lots of ice cream. there was rum and raisin, orange liquor and chocolate, and tiramisu. i think that ignoring my cough makes it get better. brilliant idea, yes?
i went to thomson plaza to buy stuff for fundraising and valentine's day presents for my og and class. yes, i know it's late. but my og is having some gifts thing on wed and i just found out. thanks to beatrice's encouragement, they are getting more than what i planned to get. and anyway, if i'm giving my og, i have to give me class stuff too right? it's only fair. so i am now almost broke. again. oh man, jc life sure seems to cost a lot more. or maybe i've just been going out too much. going out again on friday and i really can't wait to see my friends! i haven't seen the whole bunch of us actually together since... steph's christmas party! results day does not count. not everyone went out for ice cream.

speaking of ice cream, 1AH( 1 Awesomely Hot) will be selling creamo from wed to fri at acjc's candeck. it's a dollar a scoop and we have really cool toppings. and i'm really pushing my luck right now with fun-o-rama coupons.

the things i miss about ij

2010-02-14T16:37:00.002+08:00

i miss morning prayer and hymns
i miss the huge open air parade square even though there were bugs and moss that made our butts wet.
i miss the homework journal
i miss the uniform that wasn't oversized and hard to wear and bloody warm!
i miss mrs matthew's loooong talks at the mic.
i miss the chapel and the stained glass
i miss that quiet, steady confidence
i miss to kill a mockingbird and a raisin in the sun
i miss greeting teachers
i miss rme
i miss mr teh, and how he likes to give us "long and tedious" problems and call us "gerrs"
i miss mrs alex, and how she'd procrastinate and tell us all kinds of funny and irrelevant stories
i miss mrs tan aye leng, and how she used to nag at us, glare at us and push us to do our best
i miss mrs selvam, and how she would tell us about her japanese boyfriend or her husband and how short and adorable she was!
i miss mr chan, and how he used to slam down his books to get our attention, glare at people who had their heads on the table and show us his facebook page
i miss all the other teachers too!
i miss our cny and valentine's day celebrations
i miss the ava! omg, i can't believe i miss such a random room
i miss prancing and sprinting down hallways while laughing our heads off just trying to beat the teachers to class.
i miss recess
i miss being able to sneak food to classrooms and our secret recess corner.
i miss the council and cca room
i miss the performing arts studio
i miss the dance studio
i miss (okay, face it) almost every room in ij.
i miss having my friends just next door to me
i miss the useless lockers which i refused to use or pay for
i miss cramming all my books under my desk so that i didn't have to use the locker(which was just outside my class)
i miss complaining that the canteen was so far away (i still have slight trouble navigating my way to the canteen)
i miss our small track
i miss that space between the st raphael and st gabriel's block
i miss camps
i miss hearing only female voices
i miss screaming strange things at each other like "oh! how could you!" or "darling, i've missed you!"
i miss drawing absolute nonsense on post-its and trying not to get caught when the post-it is neon pink. hahaha
i miss being able to hear vaguely what the teacher next door was teaching if the teacher was either mr chan or mag low
i miss being able to box or slap sam when i got bored or just for fun(:
i miss having mang and baba in front of me to give me sweets or do stupid things to keep me awake
i miss having nat suddenly sing in class or say hi to mr teh when he walks in.
i miss being able to curse and voice out my ahem theories on certain issues
i miss being called a taitai(i can't believe i'm saying that)
i miss the belt of the pinafore. i don't know why. i used to make mine really tight when i got nervous.
i miss all the familiar faces and how i could identify someone by the way they walked, talked, gestures, their hair, their pinafore
i miss comparing heights and bullying the short ones. hahaha.
i miss not having the pinafore long enough so that you didn't have to worry about accidents.
i miss the high chairs in the canteen
i miss knowing everybody's locker code. hahaha. and forgetting it when we really needed it.
i miss sitting on top of the lockers

i miss my friends. i miss my home. i miss my family.
i miss it so much;

it hurts like the pulse behind a bruise

2010-02-13T21:14:00.002+08:00

i got into guitar!
i got into guitar!
i got into guitar!
do you have any idea how weird that sounds coming out from my mouth!?
hahaha. it's actually really funny! and i can't stop laughing about it because
1. i don't have ANY experience with the guitar unless you count one round of band hero and beatrice's house which i totally failed.
2. i held the guitar wrongly at the auditions and because of that i couldn't really see what i was doing. i bet i looked super uncomfortable;
3. i had to ask if i was supposed to strum the strings with my fingernails or flesh;
4. i didn't know if my left fingers were supposed to press down on the line or inbetween. and yes, i also had to ask that too;
5. i couldn't remember the tunes they asked me to hum. so they had to keep trying over and over again. and it's not like my cough made it any easier for them to hear me. embarrassing much?
but i'm in guitar with arielene now! hahaha. i still think it's really funny that just last year i was going on and on about how i wanted to learn the guitar and when the chance came after my o levels i just let it pass. i hope i don't embarrass myself anymore when they start teaching me.

friday was fun. even though ac's valentine's day celebrations can never compare to ij's, the cny performance wasn't so bad. just that i really would have appreciated it if they let us go home instead. then i would have been able to meet meg and clara. but anyway, i had to rush all the way back to school to pick up my testimonial (buona vista to raffles to toa payoh) then meet cjj at amk hub (tp to amk) to eat anderson's! by then i couldn't talk so much because my cough was getting worse. (doesn't stop me from eating pinapple tarts and bah kwa, or however you spell it) so after eating my blueberry cheesecake, clara asks if i've eaten lunch. hahaha. so we went hunting for my lunch, bought a sausage wrapped in prata and sat by a fountain. i never knew amk hub had so many shops. even cotton on is there. i almost took the wrong bus home on her advice.

reunion dinner was like a sauna. i swear, it was unbearably warm! my cough is really inhibiting the amounts of goodies i can consume. hahaha. maybe it's a good thing, then i won't grow any fatter this cny. going swimming during my free lecture slots this friday! can't wait. haha

2010-02-12T22:20:00.002+08:00

life is just so... full.
i'm not sure i'm explaining this right but for the first time in a long time, i'm actually alive. i'm living; not just existing.
everyday is packed and fun and memorable.
life is simple again.
life is actually... good.
and i'm not afraid of that thought anymore.
because you're still here

but that good thought will probably kinda change once lectures start proper and everything resumes it's mundane pace.
but at least now, i'm quite sure that finally, the world does seem stable again.

2010-02-10T19:29:00.003+08:00

today was quite fun. but i was dead tired for most of it because i tried to rush out my humanities scholarship essay only to find out this morning that the deadline has been extended. still, it's a good thing. as usual, i was tearing up during econs and math lecture, and basically the entire day because i was exhausted.

ki lesson was better today. we went more into the philosophy part instead of just skimming it. spent most of the day with my og and especially esther in the library. after most people left, i slept. math was just retarded. we were kinda lost cause none of us were really paying attention. and we played a really lame prank on our form teacher during contact time. when she came into class we all froze and then suddenly broke out singing happy birthday. even though it really wasn't her birthday.

and i am going to join a slack cca. this is great. my mom thinks it's the best solution to coping with 4 h2s. especially when one of those h2s is ki, which nobody really knows anything about. great? no, definitely not. but i as going to go check out how good their first aid club is, but then somehow ended up going for entree council's welcome tea instead. lincoln wanted to skip water polo so he went for entree council and since jerry was following to convince him to go for water polo i just went along too. it's better to be stuck with people you know, rather than with people you don't. we ended up playing some board game called cash flow and even though i didn't quite get it, i earned quite a bit by just landing on pay check all the time. jerry and his other sji friend was suaning each other like crazy! i think that's what made it so funny. our facilitator for the game was quite nice to us too.

ah, sometimes i really want to hang out and get to know my class better. but i really miss my og, and when i start missing my og, i start missing ij even more! like today i missed ij quite badly. so when i began tearing up, i wasn't sure if it was because i was sad, tired or just dead bored. but i'm still confused over what stupid cca to join. please please please let it come to me soon

2010-02-09T15:21:00.005+08:00

lectures have started at ac. we have a temporary timetable for the next two weeks and i have loads of free periods(: but i still have lessons on friday so i don't end early. sorry meg!

the first day was pretty fun. mostly because i didn't do anything. econs lecture was absolutely just plain boring and math was... well, it's math. most of the time i was in the canteen or library with my og still. we went for the gc talk together and spent the first part of the talk trying to open the calculator's plastic case. then when we caught up with what he was teaching, we got lost again. or at least i did. sat in the canteen with jerry, darren, grace, zining and lincoln while i waited for judith and her dsa talk. in the end she called her mom to come pick us up since we both weren't feeling very well. went home and bummed around trying to get the headache to go away.

i think my class is doing pretty well. most of us started talking to each other pretty fast. we've got almost everyone's names and it's only the second day! and now, 1AH stands for All Hot, not Art Honours. hahaha. we have a lot in common too! like glee and how rob pattinson is not hot. hahaha.

i went to lectures with my class today. so far i've been to ki, math, econs and lit. all my h2s are covered. and i must say, i feel like a total idiot in certain lectures. but i ended early today so my mom picked me up. haven't been feeling so well since sunday. and i'm super confused over what cca to join. ahhhh.

2010-02-06T21:29:00.001+08:00

"Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be".

sometimes that's just so hard to believe.

having second thoughts?

2010-02-06T20:43:00.002+08:00

ohh, i'm happy. did i already mention that in my previous posts?
haha, of course i did.

on fb there've been a lot of my friends putting up pictures of their orientations and i do sometimes wonder if i would have been better off in another jc. also when my father asked, so you could have gone to nj but didn't go? and when they tell me i should have gone to nj or vj instead, or when i saw that "which jc do you belong to" quiz that i took ages ago, i really do wonder if i should have put vj as my first choice. it does have a higher cut-off point and would have made more sense if you were just looking at results. nj was outta the question because my sister would have moaned about how i basically commited suicide (and i agree, i'm just not cut out for mugging like them). i guess i just took mrs alex's advice and ac's open house as sure indications that i should go to ac.

and yet, even as i ponder on why i didn't chose vj over ac, the thought of giving ac up to go elsewhere is, well, unthinkable! (oh, the irony)

it's such a strange feeling. i haven't been happy for a really long time; even a year later, even after o levels, even after results. but it's like i'm finally breathing again. and it's been so long, such a long, torturous forrage through dark and

and for a brief moment, the world seemed stable again

2010-02-06T14:10:00.003+08:00

if i were to give a rundown of the highlights of the week, i'd still have to write about the entire week.

i love my og. and my new school. i was wrong about ac and ij having to share the space in my heart. i think my heart just naturally expands to fit the two in.

i really hope that i'm not the only one ffrom my og in my class. even though, i think it's likely... i'm doing 4 h2s: lit, math, econs and ki. technically, it's a hybrid but kii can be considered an arts subject. i'm the only one taking ki in my group! please stop giving my that look. you didn't expect me to take h2 history, did you? bleh. especially not after how i studied for o levels. i'm just glad i don't have to take chem anymore.

og outings were great fun (ignoring the parts that were just gross and awkward) but anyway, we went to holland v on thursday and to marina square on friday before campfire. we bought our ogls cowboy hats and lil trophy things on thursday and wrote them cards. haha. awesome gifts right?

we actually just went to marina square to eat. and most of us weren't hungry anyway. most of us actually refers to the girls. who eats dinner at 5?! the guys were practically training to be paparazzi with winston's camera. and i pray they deleted those terrible candid shots. we were kinda late on the way back to school. we were supposed to be back by 5.45 but we kinda only got on the train at that time. haha. but we still got good seats. campfire was crazy. and i mean it. i have never seen crazy like what i saw last night. not even at prom or other campfires. and by the way, it was campfire, minus the fire.

go with the voda flow!

2010-02-04T22:37:00.002+08:00

i like acjc. so stop trying to make me feel bad about it. you know who you are!

orientation is over ):
but there's still campfire tomorrow at least.
gosh i'm tired. after all the days of orientation, today my og went out for lunch and then i went back to meet beatrice a bit later and we sat in icekimo talking for hours! how i've missed that! it felt really great.

i couldn't stop smiling on my way home

2010-01-31T12:58:00.001+08:00

i feel like being emo today.
maybe i just want more sleep.
maybe i just want to see my friends again.
maybe it's just me.

get used to it.

2010-01-31T01:31:00.002+08:00

do you honestly still believe me when i tell you the same thing every time?
because i don't believe you.
i don't know who i miss more;
you (but i can't miss somebody i don't know, right?)
or who you used to be
who we used to be, rather.
did i not try hard enough or something?
what did i forget? and don't lie and tell me i forgot your birthday
because i've remembered it for all four years.
i don't know what i expected but it wasn't this.
in my mind, i never really thought we'd be so distant
then again, i didn't quite know that you were that kinda person.
i have to let go of you.
it doesn't really seem hard right now, does it?
especially since there's nothing left behind.

2010-01-31T00:43:00.001+08:00

Elizabeth Estelle says:
why does everyone think i'm quiet?

Beatrice says:
lol

Elizabeth Estelle says:
i'll show them on monday. HUH
hahaha

Beatrice says:
well cause you are not the type to scream for no reason and do stupid stuff

Elizabeth Estelle says:
i'm not?

2010-01-30T10:31:00.002+08:00

i am now an acjc student. but i still love ij.

hmm. orientation's started. the first day was kinda boring cause it was mostly talks and and stuff. the second day was better. the introductory lectures made me feel really insecure about my choice of subjects now. but i have till... thursday. and i am more confused than ever!

but my ogl is quite fun. and we have found the least welcoming place in ac - the library. hahaha.

2010-01-26T23:16:00.004+08:00

my sister and i went back to ij for thanksgiving mass today.
after mass mr teh treated us to pizza. then ice cream. he gave us the money and let us do what we wanted. we ordered the pizza, went to united sq to eat ice cream. maxine, hani, hill and me went to toys r us after that and took all sorts of retarded pictures which i'm not so sure i'm looking forward to seeing on facebook now...

but, the entire day was wonderful.
and it made me realise it's the last time i got to go to ij as an ij girl. because tmr is, well, it's tmr. and after that there'll be no more time to go back to ij, less time to meet up with friends.
there'll be new things, new places, people and subjects. and there'll be this part of me that's always going to look back and swear ij's still the best.

less than 12 hours to savour this feeling of being and ij girl and ij alone. i'll always be an ij girl but after tmr, it'll be different.

2010-01-24T23:55:00.002+08:00

i can't get quinn's papa don't preach out of my head.
and i love the little mermaid. they shouldn't do sequels to the disney movies cause they always suck. the first is always the best. and the animation gets worse too.
i remember that as a kid i wanted to change my name to ariel cause i loved the little mermaid so much. and when i decided i liked my name, i made up my mind to name my daughter ariel. and i'm not suprised that after watching it again, i'm thinking about really naming my daughter ariel.
i love flounder! if i have a fish, i shall name it that. i don't care if it has an identity crisis because of that. i have been thinking up names for pets that i might have. if it's a dog, i'll either name it dr watson or tibby, depending on it's gender. but if there are 2 i'm not naming them that. i'll have to think of more suitable names that come in pairs. don't gimme that look. i'm 16, not 6. i won't keep changing and forgetting my pet's name like i did with the hamsters.

omg, i'm going to be 17 this year. it's not a nice number. but other than that, this year is going to be exciting. i hope. yesyesyes? please, let it be a good year. i'm actually looking forward to chinese new year now. but mostly only because i get to eat bah kwa (sp?!) and wear my new dress. ahaa. and my hair will be longer by then and probably look less overgrown. please, let it be a good year.

disney mania!

2010-01-23T22:44:00.002+08:00

i love
glee
and disney movies.
and anastasia, the animated one,
and the swan princess, yes of course i'm talking about the animated ones!
yay. life is good.
i'm starting jc in less than a week and i'm watching disney and animated movies instead of clearing out my o level stuff.
so much for "a brand new start" eh?
i'm gushing over a puppy. somebody, save me.

2010-01-20T23:37:00.002+08:00

i met up with my learning lab classmates today to visit ms ong!
they took to my hair well, unlike some people...
but anyway, we is actually cheryl, ja, steffi, ht and carina. liling and cherrie couldn't make it.
we talked for quite a while with ms ong and after that we went to starbucks and erm, cheryl and carina ordered drinks and we sat outside and talked.
left at about 5? i don't know. i had to take a bus back. and now i don't think i'll ever walk that way again. freaky route.
and oh! the other day when i went out with arielene, my mom dropped me off at a bus stop and told me to find a bus to town(it's not actually that bad, i'm just not being choosy about words). this old lady approached me and claimed that she didn't have coins, only a ten dollar note. so i gave her coins. she even showed me the ten dollar note and her empty pocket. and yesterday when i came back from watching avatar, i saw the same old lady at the bus stop outside my estate asking someone else for coins, with a ten dollar note in her hand. coincidence much? that despicable old hag. preying on other people's charity and kindness. it's disgusting. if i see her one more time i will be sure to glare at her, hard and bold. till i frighten her bankrupt pants off her.

2010-01-19T19:36:00.002+08:00

i finally went to watch avatar.
okay, it was cool. but the vatican was right. but
my sister turned to me when we weren't even halfway through the movie and said "i'm bored". hahaha. i was still a bit freaked out by the animals.
and the 3d glasses were kinda big so they kept slipping.
and i had to keep resisting the urge to swat the flies cause they looked real under the glasses.
and i pray they cleaned them properly cause that was bugging me throughout the entire movie.

i still want to watch the blind side, new york i love you, alice in wonderland, dear john, valentine's day and... i know there's one more, i just can't put my finger on it.

i went to ikea yesterday. i should have done my gift shopping there. but then everyone would get cups and glasses or salt and pepper shakers. haha. nevermind, they could put sweets in there.

2010-01-18T21:18:00.001+08:00

very emotional right now.
i don't want to leave ij.
i don't want to leave my friends.

2010-01-13T21:56:00.002+08:00

okay, i am very glad that i did not screw up my o levels. 7's good right? eh, i shouldn't complain. i should be grateful. but still, a miss is as good as a mile. even though, yes, i would have wanted the 1 for physics instead of 2 so that i could get 6 and be more assured of myself but i should just be glad right? but why does it leave me feeling so empty still? contentment needs to be cultivated.
it also means no more relaxing.
and that is the LAST time that i study for an exam on the say itself and breakdown. haha. even though i still managed to get an a1 for it. plus, the subject was none other than chem! omg, right?? i suck at chem. i got e8 at the end of sec 3 and couldn't even do well enough for the combined paper. and they actually wanted me to drop to combined. haha. never doubt myself again. yes, yes. prayer does help. Praise the Lord, indeed. i can't help but think that everyday.

went for ac's open house today. i'm pretty much set on going there since mrs alex advice. plus beatrice thinks i'll fit in. judith is already there and plenty of people i know are trying for it so i shouldn't have to worry about being completely stranded.
oh! today beatrice and judith formulated our plan. haha. when we're done after school, ac people have to call steph who's in acs IB and beatrice in sp. so we can all get on 74 and visit the sp people in their canteen. :DD yay, i can't wait to do that. haha. then we get to keep in touch.
as to those in far away schools, like sam in nanyang poly, i will send her post-its through snail mail. then we will post them up on facebook. haha.

2010-01-10T00:48:00.002+08:00

oh, my last post was my 369th post. cute number.

i feel like i have multiple personalities within me. they don't always fight. but occasionally when something gets out of hand, well, a sort of scene in my head plays out.

like a kid lying on the bed; screaming, kicking and bawling that she doesn't want things to change and she doesn't want to move on. and someone comes to her and holds her, telling her it's gonna be okay, trying to shush her and stroking her head and whispering kind things. then a third person comes in and shoots her with a tranquilizer shot and sighs while the second person just looks on with dismay in her eyes as the kid lies curled up and tear-striken.

in other words, i'm either difficult, tolerant or pretty harsh. that doesn't add up or make sense, but it's the best i can do. i need to finish warm fuzzies now!

2010-01-10T00:19:00.002+08:00

happy birthday.

it probably doesn't really mean anything now but i still want to say it.
i can't tell you how much i miss you.
every day
every morning
& every night.

i keep thinking, i wish you were here. and then i realise, you are. just in a different way now. so i reject the idea of acceptance, in hope of gaining a new reality.

Trying to be perfect
Trying not to let you down
Honesty is honestly
The hardest thing for me right now
While the floors underneath our feet
Are crumbling, the walls we built together tumbling
I still stand here holding up the roof
Cause it's easier than telling the truth

I still keep your photographs
I remember how we used to laugh
I can keep on losing sleep
If you're okay with being torn in half

Stop ignoring that our hearts are mourning
And let the rain come in
Stop pretending that it's not ending
And let the end begin, oh yeah...

the truth, kris allen

2010-01-08T17:10:00.000+08:00

Unspoken, in silence
Let's stay here tonight
There's no reason to ask me
Cause you know what's inside
Don't worry now
Seasons will change

Forgive my mouth
For not letting you walk away
Take your love, bring it back
Bring it back
Think before you leave
I forgot what love is
Bring it back
Tell me that you believe
What fate has been telling me

At sundown on the freeway
Is no place for goodbyes
Don't worry now
Seasons will change
Forgive my mouth
For not letting you walk away
Take your love, bring it back
Bring it back
Think before you leave
I forgot what love is
Bring it back
Tell me that you believe
What fate has been telling me

I've got a different ending to our story
I know it's hard for you to hear it through
But listen as I read

Take your love, bring it back
Bring it back
Think before you leave
I forgot what love is
Bring it back
Tell me that you believe
What fate has been telling me

bring it back, kris allen

2010-01-08T15:36:00.003+08:00

ahh. i watched did you hear about the morgans instead of avatar because it was sold out again! this is so frustrating. i watched it with arieleenee who is back from egypt. we went shopping at ion before that. anyway,
it was an alright movie. could have been better. they should have chose younger people. sarah jessica parker looks too old to have a kid. we were late for the movie thanks to the super slow lifts.haha. but we weren't the last. the guy next to me was just so annoying. he kept laughing so loudly and bouncing about in his seat.
so i still haven't watched princess and the frog and avatar. i want to watch new york i love you!
i'm getting the feeling i've been watching a lot of movies this holiday.
there was the phoenix one. which was in thai, new moon (kill me), sherlock holmes, changeling, the young victoria, did you hear about the morgans, sisterhood of the travelling pants (again), 500 days of summer, a walk to remember(again), and i'm going to watch my sister's keeper at sicc tonight.

i have trouble spelling. god, i need to get back to school. but i only want ij):

2010-01-06T17:43:00.002+08:00

i watched sherlock holmes. with my cousins, sister and aunt. and i still don't get why gv at j8 only lets us in 5 minutes before. it was practically the last movie of the day.
i actually think it was a good movie. i liked it. but then again, my expectations of movies aren't very high. it was entertaining. yes, that's all it needs to be.
my sister called it a literary travesty. it didn't follow the books on a lot of details. how come i don't remember them having a dog? i must go and read them again.

2010-01-01T23:37:00.003+08:00

it's the new year. no hurrah. i wonder why everyone is so excited?

i spent the new year playing taboo with my cousins. it was hilarious.
word: little india
alex: it's the place where all the banglas go!
all 3 of his brothers: little india!
amazing right? haha. they think along the same wavelength
word: seal
me: omg! it's my favourite artic animal! it's furry!
my sister: seal!
and everyone stared at us like, wth? psychic connection.

we were all cursing and swearing so much everytime some strange word came up. then i got the word 'cramps! and i started saying, "oh! girls get this every - " then i realised the rest of my group was made up of all guys. gah. totally ruined my strategy.

today we went for "tea" at a hotel. omg, i've never eaten so much in my life. i don't think it was because the food was good but more because i didn't eat lunch and had to spend the late morning and early afternoon scrubbing the damn window grill till i nearly threw up and collapsed when i went to the wash room. but alex can sure eat! i hope he's feeling better now. dominic made a really sad pohpiah with peanut sprinkled over the top because he forgot to put it inside, alex's rojak had a hell lot of sauce and my sister kept the shell on which the scallops came. and when a waiter tried to take it away, she exclaimed such that i thought she'd been attacked. we kept trying to guess the songs they were playing.

i just watched the young victoria at sicc. there was a technical glitch which really pissed everyone off. the movie started but all we could here was the audio. it went one for really long. and it took even longer for someone to come in and do something despite many attempts to get something done by various people. it was quite a good movie i guess. but the ending was rather abrupt. when the caption said that she went on to have nine children, almost everyone went, woah. there was a certain amount of humour which i liked. i guess it was quite enjoyable to watch. it made me happy. and was worth it, considering i missed michael jackson's history tour in copenhagen for it. (:

and tmr will be the third day in a row that i'm seeing my cousins. i don't think i've ever seen them so often for a long time. not counting the family vacations. and it has also just occured to me that i never speak about my father's side of the family. not that it really bothers me, anyway.

some new year. i only have one resolution so far, and that's to stick to the resolutions i make.
bless you.

2009, i will miss you

2009-12-31T01:43:00.002+08:00

10 things i love about this year:
1) sitting next to sam, behind mang and baba
2) having arielene to bitch to during chinese
3) getting up off the ground
4) being the only ones in a movie theatre watching some retarded movie that's not even english
5) finally mustering enough courage to cut my hair, regardless of the outcome
6) going back to writing
7) all the crazy lists i made with my friends: my bucket list, book list, things to do after o levels, wish list, etc
8) post-its. yes, absolutely. see facebook to find out why((:
9) completing 10 years of ij and loving it all
10) not having to take aep ever again

5 things i hate about this year:
1) it has to end in less than 24 hours
2) i drifted too long
3) i've become a person who avoids conflict a bit too often
4) i gained weight
5) i don't remember crying so much

5 things i've learnt from this year:
1) i get tanned easily. very easily
2) how to use the iron and vacuum cleaner
3) how to take public transport on my own(:
4) "there has always been heartache and pain/but when it's over you'll breathe again" - crash and burn by savage garden
5) i never truly lost her

5 memorable incidences:
1) michael jackson's death
2) being alone in a columbarium; it's not scary. seriously.
3) prom
4) the first few hours of the year
5) the last day of school

2010

2009-12-31T00:00:00.002+08:00

writing that title was hard.
the numbers 2010 just feel so foreign when put together but i guess it's here.

it's time to move on. you can't keep expecting things to be the same, wanting them to never change. i knew that very well once upon a time, i just forgot about it when everything else got thrown my way. time doesn't wait for you. nothing does. you can't live your life like it's still yesterday just because you want it to come back; just be cause you miss it. you have to let things go; even if it means you will forget.
but you are only human.
there will be more tragedies than you can count and you will lose count. there come more days, months and maybe even entire years where you merely exist instead of living because everything will seem to "stretch before you with the dryness and sameness of desert dunes" as maya angelou writes, so painfully accurate, in Letter to My Daughter. but there will also come a time when the storms will cease to rage in all their fury and agony and you will find yourself wondering when you were finally able to sail forth without constantly looking back in fear and anxiety of all sorts. and all your battles will be faint and distant; just a memory of the pain.

2009-12-30T23:53:00.000+08:00

i don't want to watch america's got talent anymore!
erik and rickie got kicked out):

2009-12-28T14:51:00.002+08:00

i'm actually tired of reading. i've been reading so many books in succession that my eyes kind of hurt. and i had to wear my glasses just to focus on the words last night/morning. and the sofa cushions are worn and torn cause my sister and me sit for hours on them tossing just to get a comfortable position to read. i think it's more my fault cause i tend to get very agitated when reading and end up cursing one or two characters. this is not working out so well.
i still have 2 books that are half read. okay 3. but i had to return one of them to the library today.

my memory has been atrocious. i still keep forgetting i have short hair at times. on saturday i was walking back to the car after dinner and i saw my shadow. it took me a while to realise it was mine because i was still expecting to see long hair. i do miss my long hair.

i think i understand better what morrie was talking about in mitch albom's book. he mentioned detaching oneself from the emotion to be able to fully sumberge oneself in it yet not be sort of drowned. or something like that. i think i get it. at christmas we were all sitting around after midnight, just not really doing anything and then i got it. i know the feeling now. you put yourself apart from it. and you look at things with objectivity. and at first it felt all funny, i guess. not knowing if i could see these people as family. but then the gospel on saturday was about the holy family. and that made me feel a warm feeling again. and i haven't felt that a lot this year. or in a long time.

je manque vous

2009-12-20T16:30:00.002+08:00

okay, i can only post 5 more times because this is my 360th post and i want my 365th to be on new year's.

take that.

i have come to the conclusion that i have had a lot of excitment for this holiday. especially at mary ann's stay-over at the chalet. we went out to the beach to play with sparklers. but since the lighter was spoilt, we kinda had to pass the flame from one person to another as quickly as possible. it was super retarded and we used up about 100 sparklers in 10 minutes. so, when we got back to the chalet, we were discussing plans to eat the cake while we sat down at the dinning table and then someone yells: "lizard!" and we all start screaming bloody murder and running about the place. omg, i don't think i have screamed that hard in a very long time. and i didn't even see the lizard. i just knew it was somewhere near me. and i screamed, ran to the furthest corner, then ran more and jumped on the sofa. haha. all that panic earned me 3 bruises on my left shin. their all in a neat row, like orion's belt; just verticle.

we slept at 6am that night/morning. we played charades for hours and came up with our own signs for certain words like "man", "lady" and erm, "fork". please don't ask.
wendy and mang were trying to teach baba, phoebe and me how to play mahjong. and everytime someone threw out a tile, baba would ask "can i take?" it was hilarious.
we woke up at about 10? sat around, listened to music and playing games on mang's iphone, tried to wake baba up and then mang's mom came and made lunch for us. haha.

i need to arrange my book shelf like steph is doing. the books are everywhere. and i am very happy that i bought a ring of endless light and a walk to remember. even though i have read the former 5 times and my sister refuses to read the latter. yes, i am proud of myself.

2009-12-15T00:02:00.002+08:00

i love my friends. haha
today i went out with maegan and clara. it was super funny. maegan tells some of the funniest stories i've heard. and she does the most retarded things, has the most p&w songs, and has a really cute dog neamed lego. clara makes and draws adorable stuff and somehow manages to put up with maegan. haha.
we met at j8. i went early to buy stuff. then i went back down from the top floor to the interchange, meg called and asked me to go back up to popular with her. then clara came, we made her come up, then we went down again. haha.
we went to orchard after lunch at pizza hut where meg went crazy over the cheese. omg, never go to pizza hut with meg again. it's like having a 4 year old with you instead of a 14 year old. i'm serious. we walked around ion looking for more orange things for meg. and my sister was there too. she walked right past me and didn't realise. i went to meet beatrice in kino after that(: i bought a walk to remember, a ring of endless light and the last lecture. all tear-jerkers. met my sister again. she stayed on in kino while beatrice and me went to suntec to get her dad's present.
and beatrice bought me a fedora in malaysia(: haha. problem is, joanne and steph also bought me a fedora. cause when i told them i wanted one, they were all together. hmmm, i will have 2 fedoras for christmas. looks like both my sister and me can dress up as mj. nah, not with my short hair. haha.
anyway, we ran into maryann, monica and marian hui. maryann had a good time fluffing my hair about.
i took a bus home. and it took so long to come i was worried i got something wrong. while eating dinner,

mom: "he had some convention overseas and so his daughters went with him... ... ... you see, other people are so thoughtful, he took the three girls with him..." (looks at my dad)
dad: (all the while has been peeling oranges, looks up) *pause* what?
mom: i said, he took his daughters too... (waits for it to sink in)
dad: so?

and we found out the day before that my dad was class monitor, member of the historical society and represented his school in tonnes of sporting activities... we couldn't help the laughter. seriously, my dad and the historical society? you gotta be kidding me. class monitor? ah, i shall not comment.

2009-12-13T23:45:00.004+08:00

i can't bear to throw away my notes. haha.
and i have yet to clear them out. oh wells. i'll find time.

going out with clara and meg tmr! finally. after like, 4 tries to arrange this. we're going to j8. which i have been to a total of 3 times in the past month. wow. anyway, we might go somewhere else after that.

i wonder if the picnic with tll people is still on. i'd better ask cheryl.

and then wed and thurs is mang's chalet stay thing(: can't wait. haha. i miss her so much. i can't believe i'm saying that but she's one of the people who make me laugh the most. and baba and sam of course.

2009-12-12T15:30:00.002+08:00

what is with the world's fascination with numbers? simply because it transcends languages? it's not just that it's important and we use it in our daily lives... blah blah blah. we've heard it all before. it's because numbers are foolproof. there are definite answers. and even if there weren't we'd just dismiss the rest. with languages and the humanities, you can't.

i get why people don't like confusion and multiple possibilities, but you can't just brush aside the rest as less important. don't deny it. that ted talks guy said so, there is a heirachy of subjects.
languages come first he said. i doubt so. not anymore at least. not here in singapore.
nevertheless, it is a constant battle to balance the languages against the math and sciences. look at the primary schools; you onlly have english, mother tongue(which seems to be a highly debatable topic now), math and science. there, languages vs sciences. it's the left vs right brain thing again. and majority always wins unless you live in some sort of fascist state where the ruler or whoever can and will dismiss the people. but anyhow, majority doesn't make it right.

art isn't important. says who? it's a form of expression just as unique as any language, it is not and will not be restrained by language barriers and was the earliest form of communication. so you think that numbers are more sophisticated? it looks less sophisticated if you ask me. so why has the arts been cast aside and looked down upon in such a demeanor now? it's frankly quite stupid and insulting. just because majority cannot accept, cannot succeed or just outrightly put, lack the perception of artists(be them literary or visual artists) it does not make that less important. it makes it all the more important. because they are the creme de la creme. they are the ones who possess a special talent and should be given recognition. not merely the hardworking muggers who have the ability to regurgitate. that can be trained, taught, replicated. aptitude at the visual arts, literature, performance art, these cannot be merely taught. they must be bestowed upon at birth, then nurtured well so that they may flourish later in life. yet instead they have been gagged, smothered and thrown off track on being bombarded with the maths and sciences which everyone believes are so important because everyone can do them. so what if everyone can do them? so what?

there is a serious flaw in our logic. and we are in deep trouble. and we are the world.

look at how far we've come. from persecutions to prosecutions. and you'd think that we've progressed a far way from our past. but surely, if you think about it, surely our ancestors thought the same thing too. so, where does that leave us?

2009-12-10T00:43:00.003+08:00

troubling a star! i've found it. in bishan library. yay!
i'll let my sister read it first since she's not feeling well.
in the meantime, i'm reading a ring of endless light - the book before- again. for the fourth or fifth time. i've lost count. haha. i just love it. it's one of those books that you can't help but read over and over again. i'm so buying this once i get my $100.
my mom is paying me and my sister $100 each to paint the maid's room in the back. yay.
book spreee!

i went out with beatrice again today.
we watched new moon. i swear, it just got worse.
and i nearly died.
who knew acting could be that hard?
and rob pattinson just became freakier. he's not only a gross white, he looked like he was tinted green or something at some parts of the movie.
urgh. dakota fanning was a good jane. she's no longer that cute screaming kid but she's still a good actress. but i was cringing and trying hard not to laugh at awkward moments in the movie. but whatever. there will be those who love it.

beatrice seems to think my hair is fine. so maybe it is. she says it makes me look my age. phew! finally for once. haha. i always get mistaken to be a few years old(okay, sometimes it's more than a few years) even on the phone. i once got asked how old my children were. i was 14 then...

2009-12-09T01:38:00.002+08:00

i can't get used to my new hair.

it's short.
i haven't had short hair since kindergarden. or when we went to LA. i can't remember which came first.

i panicked in the morning cause i forgot i got it cut.
the stupid guy at the hair dresser just kept cutting and cutting. it was fine at first. but then he had to go make it straight. and cut bangs, which made my fringe too short. then i ended up looking cheena. and he didn't want to do the curls cause he said it would look too 'pong'. i should have told him that you only 'pong' in majong. or however you spell it. at least he checked that the two sides were equal length. haha.
it makes me look chinese. which i am not comfortable with. because i never really looked fully chinese. so the haircut now, well, makes me look even more in between. gah, it's hard to explain. but anyway, it curled back. my hair always curls in odd angles. it will grow out, i guess. i just have to wait a week or so. but it curls more on one side than the other. correction, it curls only on one side. i should sleep on it.
the plus sign is, it's easy to comb and dry. and i don't use to much shampoo anymore. and i'm faster when i bathe. haha.
when it's wet and i make it all spikey at the ends i look kinda radical.
but it's a change.
and that's what i needed.
it's what i wanted.
a change.

i can't breathe without you
but i have to.

2009-12-08T14:24:00.003+08:00

this is killing me.
i neeeed to read that last book of the meet the austins series.
and it's still bugging me that vicky doesn't get her happy ending.
and i guess it bugs me a little that she isn't the one to change zach from being such a crazy idiot even after she invested so much time and effort into that fool.
and now i feel like a fool because i don't know anyone else other than my sister who's read the series. i really like it. out of the 4 books of the five that i've read, i love the first and fourth. the third's a bit cranky. but the fourth is really great. i just have that feeling where you totally understand what the protagonist going through. the freakiest part is where you share so much in common with the protagonist that even the events in the book mirror your own life, even if the timeline is different.

it's warm today.
isn't that strange?
yes, it is. strange, indeed.

2009-12-07T22:35:00.003+08:00

i miss the way we used to be.
i miss the way everything used to be.
just before it all went wrong.

one year since i've been confirmed.
and look how far we've come.
just look how much has happened.

2009-12-06T16:01:00.002+08:00

this bugs me. it really really bugs me.
singapore doesn't seem to sell the book i'm dying to read.
wth. and they sell the rest of the series except the laaast book.
useless bums. even the internet doesn't have it.
and i kind of know how it ends. it doesn't have the happy ending i was rooting for):
troubling a star - madeleine l'engle. where the hell are you?!

2009-11-25T00:03:00.003+08:00

oh good gracious. this is pathetic.

there's something about this page that makes me feel zapped. initially i wanted to go off on the whole bilingual thing and how stupid it was to only realise the mistake now. but now i don't feel so enthu about it. but it's kind of late to realise the flaw now when most of us got that bit a looong while ago. there are more obvious flaws anyway but of course they never thought to ask our opinion.

stupid ER. why are you so hard to find online. and i'm only starting from season 11. how hard can that be?

2009-11-21T23:35:00.005+08:00

350th post.

wow, i guess arielene was right. we are old.

it's time i posted about prom. it was so fantastic i wasn't even sure it happened when i woke up. yeah, i was that knocked out after it. during prom i kept looking around and getting that warm fuzzy feeling. it kinda made me sad again cause it's just a reminder of how things will never be this way again. i won't get to sit around in blissful ignorance of this inherently flawed world. ij was my world at one point. and everything was great. life happened and it changed. but ij was always crucial in helping me keep the faith while life happened. and i'm really great it did.

mom did practically everything - she did my hair and makeup, chose the earrings, shoes and bag, sewed the bag and dress. haha. yeah, like everyone says, woah!

there was a lot of crap just to get to hilton. the intial plan was that judith, lizzi kow and me would go together. i think judith must have ran this by me while we were walking back ffrom math tuition... but anyway, caroline needed a lift too. so erm, after asking this and that, calling back and forth and back again. (it was more than that but i'm not a detail-lover) and lizzi's mom was supposed to come at 5. she came at 530+ instead. haha. and lizzi and judith forgot their invite so we had to go back to their houses to get it before picking caroline up. we still got there early anyway. quite. i guess.

oh joy taking pictures with steph, fran, jane and sam. hillary koh wore a dress(: and she was rather sulky. haha. and i swear, people should tag the photos on facebook, it makes my life a lot easier when looking for photos of events.

aaand my friends are awesome. haha.

arielene and me have really great and honest conversations for hours and i can tell her really stupid stuff and she finds it funny with me, unlike everyone who thinks i'm looney;

beatrice has a reaaaaaaaaaaaally wild imagination and a knack for making life more complicated than it really has to be. but that's what makes her so funny at times. and she's a great person to hang out with cause she's there, she's dependable. she's great.

okay, i'm just shooting at random okay. i'm not gonna do the full dedication thing, i actually want to finish this post.

anyway, oh! justina rocks cause she knows how to cut the fish. and joyee too cause, she did stand a good chance at being able to keep the colour changing orb thing on the plate. haha.

grad night food was quite lousy. yeah, considering it was hilton. but whatever. the last part was just crazy when we were just screaming and jumping about while they played all those tracks. it was like this girls night out kinda thing but more glammed up. gosh, sam left so early that the first song hadn't even ended and she was gone! ): daffy would have hated every moment of it.

leave mr obama alone man. all he's trying to do is bring about the change you people asked for and wanted. gosh, what's wrong with a bow of respect. it was have been disgustingly cocky of him not to respect ther host country's traditions if he didn't bow. some people have to realise that they're just not universally loved so not everyone bows to them.

2009-11-17T14:05:00.002+08:00

oh!
o levels are over! and and and todayee is gradnight.
so glad my mom finished the dress in time. even though it's a bit short cause we erm, didn't have enough material. it's fine. i'm not actually going to do my hair because you probably already know what my hair really looks like so what's the point.

i can't believe i still can't feel all my toes from shopping on friday. we walked for probably more than ... 6 hours. it was crazy just trying to find dresses for joanne, wendy and beatrice. we walked from ion to taka to paragon and back to taka. and by walked, i mean went into every shop that sold dresses. then i had to wait outside bank of america at republic plaza for my dad to give me a lift. and talk about awkward!? all those rich foreign people walking around and then you see me, a schoolgirl standing there holding a chemistry tys that is an ugly shade of blue.. wow right? i know. the security guard probably thought i was lost. haha. but the day was quite fun. and exasperating. but joanne and wendy owe me big presents now.

hint, i want a fedora. like the one michael jackson had. black please. it's easier to match. haha.

should go do my nails soon. i need to find the stupid buffer..

2009-10-18T01:31:00.002+08:00

i can't believe it still.
no more ij):

it feels so weird. it's like riding a bike (okay, i don't ride bikes but whatever). you start of with those trainer wheels right? like, the small ones on the side. so you had 4 wheels. and you kept going forward, knowing you were safe. and you always wondered when you'd get to take them off and how liberated you'd feel. yet, you never knew they could possibly hold so much sentiment.

and when you've finally taken them off, it's almost like you don't know what to do. you're on your own with nothing but 2 wheels(your faith) and your feet to get you going. you're unsure and apprehensive. you don't want to keep going cause you don't want to fall.

keep your eyes on the road.

but you can still keep going. and as you continue your foray into a world with little comfort, you realise that you can still balance. and this ability to balance was taught to you, nutured and cultivated in you, trained and hell even forced into you. and it's because of the trainer wheels that you feel so safe still. you can almost still feel them there. you just can't believe they're gone. you'll keep turning behind, i'm sure, constantly thinking that you'll see those 2 little wheels but at the same time realising it was not so much the fact that they were there that helped you, but what they taught you and how they changed you.

so,
thank you IJ

for all the sweet memories and lessons i'll live to never forget.

ILY

2009-10-16T00:19:00.002+08:00

oh the horror!
today was our last day in ij!

okay, maybe it was a half-day. but whatever. we spent most of it running around and taking pictures. didn't get to take pictures with everyone and all the teachers ): but, i don't know. it just really doesn't feel like goodbye. it's almost as though, it's just not possible; 10 years in ij! and to think that today was the last official day.

i couldn't stop crying when i got home. felt like crap most of the time. everyone's talking about what jc they're aiming for and stuff but can you really phantom not being in ij? it's just so hard to imagine. we won't be able to scream and shout as loud as before, we can't skip and run about screaming "i love you!", "did you miss me?", "darling" and a considerable number of other endearments down the corridoors. omg! no more singing happy birthday competitions. haha. and we have to disband the coffee club since baba is going to poly even though i wish her all the very best in her stylish endeavours. oh, this is terrible. we're not going to be together anymore. i hate the thought of jc. or any other post-secondary education for that matter, simply because it is not ij. no matter what they say about cj, you know it's never gonna be the same and that's really putting me off. i don't know where i want to go right now. oh no! what if we can't have like these moments when we all just go seriously high (on oxygen... or just each others' company, i swear) and just laugh like nobody's damn business!? ahhh! arielene!!!!

on the bright side, andrea tan, judith and me learnt a number of very interesting new things during math tuition today. all of which have nothing to do with math. but anyway, we learnt that bananas can be red! omg, mr tan, our math tuitor gave us red bananas. it was damn strange. we took pictures of it. haha. and i told mr tan about darth vadar. haha! okay, inside joke. i think only ij girls will know who i'm talking about cause i've told the story to a lot of people. we also learnt more about mr tan's twin, his wife's twin, our very strange neighbourhood and that mr tan cannot whistle. haha. totally random.
but andrea was like "you can't whistle?"
and he was like "no."
then judith and me said "you can whistle?"
andrea: "no, but that's not the point!"
and she only realised he had a ceiling fan after like, 3-4 years of going to mr tan for tuition? haha. funny thing is she only realised it because mr tan said another student who'd been with him for 3 years didn't realise it. haha. i have to buy all my teachers really special presents. they rock. haha. and we spent 4 hours at math tuition... i think we talked more than anything else but who cares right? it was just one whole day jam packed with nostalgia. oh man. why!? i hate growing up. we should all call peter pan to come and pick us up so we can go play with fairies in neverland.

i should go sleep now.

2009-10-09T20:48:00.002+08:00

praise the Lord.
"whatever happens, always remain at peace and trust in God"

i love those words by blessed nicholas barre. somehow we always think it's so hard to trust God but the truth is all the while we're just clinging on to him for support, telling him we don't know what to do; that's trusting him isn't it? just letting him do what's best.

i loved the retreat after prelims! fr simon is funny. the whole thing was really meaningful(: i think that was just what i needed after the whole year, the past 3 years, in fact. and it came just in time.

the past few weeks in school have been really hilarious. but somehow quite sad too. it was a bit overwhelming today when i looked around. (even though almost half my class didn't show up...) i keep wondering if i'll ever have what i have here in ij with any place else. and i know the answer's no. like how i'll never get to draw absolute rubbish on post-its with mang, baba and sam during lessons. i'll might not get the chance to hold cute little conversations with tiny handwriting on sam's post-its, i won't get to talk about what i want to name my kids and how i want to die with arielene, i won't get to go over to 4/3 during recess and learn how to play cards and talk about random stuff, no more losers corner, no more bullying phoebe): sigh.

and i wasted the triple chinese today. i ended up reading the bell jar even though i know i'm not supposed to read it cause my mom is afraid i might just spiral into depression the way sylvia plath did. but i'm dying to read it! i only read something about this guy called buddy being a hypocrite cause i flipped open to some random pages.

please believe me when i say i'm trying.

2009-09-24T14:27:00.003+08:00

isn't it funny how after you finally manage to stand, you always get pushed down?

okay, i need to stop this emo mood. it's not good. health-related studies have shown that you can die of a broken heart. but right now i'm feeling like i might die just from a multitude of them. please God, don't do this to me again. don't drag me back there, please. i can't go back there, ever again. cause i swear i won't make it back out.

2009-09-20T16:13:00.004+08:00

what happened to humanity?

ahhh, the break thing is eating me up inside. i'm supposed to be studyyyying!!! i feel doomed. i haven't started on sova. oh shit. i need to file my notes properly so i don't keep making notes for the same topics every time an exam comes. i don't have that kind of time.

and the true effect of my weight gain has just crashed down on me. yes, i caused that last earthquake. like, omg, i don't want to sound like a bloody bimbo but, where the hell did the 4kg come from!? i don't trust the weighing scale in school. i think my estimation skills are better. i keep pulling at the bits of fat (that i just realise existed) around my cheeks. this is not good. my skin will stretch and i will look terrible when i grow old. argh.

okay, focus, FOCUS! sometimes i wonder if i'm really balding due to nutritional reasons or because i'm actually pulling the hair out.

2009-09-16T14:15:00.002+08:00

oohhh!

okay, i have just watched the This Is It trailer.
and it's super coooool. i mean, i still think jackson looks quite sickly but it's impressive considering the situation.

and the dances at the vmas were friggin lousy! omg, the guys were terrible! the girls weren't bad, i'll give them that. but the guys were really gross. the part where janet jackson came out and danced in sync with the video was cute. from the moment she walked out you could see the pain written on her face man, gosh, it must have took hell to get up there. but the smooth criminal part was totally butchered by the dancers. they were far from smooth. one guy couldn't even do the anti-gravity lean properly. i have no idea why even with the stage prop. maybe he couldn't slide his shoe over in time, but he looked really retarded. and i don't know if it was the same guy, but he couldn't grab the money in time and with not even a hint of agility.

and kanye west is a bumbling fool.

PTL, most of my papers are over. just amath and sova. my sister and me are still laughing over the "boomz" comment. it's totally hilarious. like, who says that? seriously!? i never knew singaporeans spoke like that. but it's a new idea to jump out at someone and yell, "boomz!". my sister claims that maybe the civil defence siren went off yesterday because she said it again. yes, and explosion of laughter. but jokes aside, that girl obviously didn't think it was weird, so we should stop persecuting her for being different. just pray next year we get one that speaks proper english

2009-09-12T01:40:00.002+08:00

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,
we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just a day, he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,

And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.

And breathe, just breathe
Woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

-Breathe (2 am) by Anna Nalick

2009-09-11T00:21:00.002+08:00

women sigh so that they don't scream.

and my sister just gave this really loud sigh that scared the crap out of me. i kind of forgot she was in the room too.

yesh, she is back from boarding schoolll.

and we now have no maid. how great. finally. seriously, she caused more problems than almost any maid we've had. this is one of those times when i feel like the government does more to help foreigners that us. but then again, i'm sixteen. who cares about what i say.

i think the republicans should leave mr obama alone for once. just let the man do his job for goodness sake. you don't have to go around speculating and calling him crazy things just because you aren't a democrat. gosh, some democracy they have. up till now they've been contradicting all they claim they stand for and i don't see how they could have the audacity to still claim such. at least our government comes out to say our pledge is not a reality, it's an aspiration (how far we are from it i shall not comment). i think that's probably one of the few times, or even the first time that i have praised my government on my blog! hey! i'm making progress.

i just wasted 4 days. omg, elizabeth tan!? just where are yooo? it's already september of 2009! not 2008!

and to think i used to write the year as 2009 when it was only 2007.

2009-08-29T22:17:00.002+08:00

340th post!

and happy birthday michael jackson.

it's amazing how he still has such a massive influence from the grave.

after church today we rushed back to watch his history tour on channel 5. omg, i was swearing at every driver on the road because they were so damn slow! i nearly wound down the window to yell: "ey people! MOVE! michael jackson is about to start!" haaha, yeah, i'm that crazy. but my dad was driving like a maniac so we could get home on time.

of course the late mj rocked in concert. he always does. and i got annoyed at my cousin a few times for making unwarranted comments so after whacking him a couple of times with a pillow he stopped(: it was cute the way we were all glued to the tv. i seriously think if i was one of those girls at his concert i would have screamed non-stop. maybe even fainted! the backup dances looked pretty pathetic next to him. i got quite annoyed at them after a while...

but mj really looks weightless for some reason. he just does it so effortlessly and all the backup dances struggling behind him just get on your nerves. haha. maybe that's why they put them there. to make him look even better! but that would have been unnecessary. i can't believe he didn't sing man in the mirror though. but when he sang heal the world, all the kids came out and the little girl was so damn cute! gosh, they sure know how to pick adorable children. haha.

sigh, what a tragic end to so much talent. i really think that doctor is in deep shit right now. he just killed one of the most loved people in the world. yes, and one of the most baffling too.

2009-08-28T19:48:00.002+08:00

ey, rc made me realise something
just because i took a subject (or take) doesn't mean i actually learnt anything.

watch out. teenager angst coming out right about now.

but seriously, what on earth are we studying for? the education system is already so screwed up that we're just making life more difficult for ourselves in order to keep up with people who love making their life hell. this education system only works for muggers and conformists. it basically tells you, do or die. there's no room for mistakes. damn, there's no bloody room to even breathe! and they blame us for not having creativity? why don't they go look at the system and then rethink that thought before i shoot them. anyway, i, a non-conformist, feel that we have been brainwashed. like in to kill a mokingbird.

scout's class is made to repeat "we are a democracy". isn't that ironic? for obvious reasons and
that they don't actually get to figure for themselves if they truly are a democracy? even now, sometimes you really wonder where is the democracy in America, the country that prides itself in being the land of dreams and freedom. yet, in their own ms usa pageant slammed a contestant for giving her honest opinion, which might i add that according to atticus, she is "entitled to". i mean, if they wanted some crapped up politically correct answer, then why'd they even ask? and the judge said he wanted the "perfect" ms usa who doesn't "isolate". what stupid reason is that? she didn't isolate anyone, she just told the people what she felt. she gave them the choice to disagree, she didn't force her views on them. she gave a reason for her view too. and "perfect" does not exist in this world. urgh. this is absolutely disgusting. and obama said practically the exact same thing as her. and no one persecuted him. so you're saying that ms usa can't be honest but mr obama can go ahead. i think some of us would start to detect gender bias at this point and i utterly loathe people who put women down because they are usually men. men who are narrow minded and have a pathetic chip-on-the-shoulder. and i have factual proof that they are narrow minded.

i don't want to go to jc and deal with stupid guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhh. why can't there be an ijjc!?

2009-08-18T17:47:00.001+08:00

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

2009-08-15T20:37:00.004+08:00

singapore has talent!
artistic talent, that is.

no, this is not me suddenly being patriotic because all that nonsense has finally gotten to my head.

my sister and i went for the president's young talents thing(PYT!) at 8Q at sam on friday evening to support ms felicia low. vote for her! but the whole thing was an exhibition on 4 artists. they were all great. i think vertical submarine's a view with a room was really cool. the clock was wired to move backwards plus the ticking gave it a really eerie feeling. ahhh. i guess ms low had already spoiled hers for us since she showed it to us beforehand. but nevertheless, she rocks!

we arrived really late cause i had tuition which ended at 630(that's the time it started) but mang said to just come. the guest of honour and already arrived and begun his speech when we came. haha. then i found out that mang and wendy had just arrived too. the best part was, baba and hani were even later! lizzi didn't turn up. amanda leo came much much later; after we'd all eaten. haha. the food was quite nice. sorry people, i was hungry. and the waiters were quite attentive. mrs zailee came! and she never really told us exactly where she is now. somewhere in hougang. that's as much as we got. but we kinda so miss her. she just disappeared without really saying goodbye to us. her class of oh-so-gifted (COUGH!) aep students. haha.

interesting weeks. gosh, mr chan is super funny in class. even in his bad english - "the mask is posporous!" and we all just had to yell "porous!" and the other day he wanted qy to ask a question but she said it was a very stupid question. so he was like, "nevermind, just ask and then i will see how stupid you are." ouch!

mang and baba are super funny too! and sam, i shouldn't forget sam. the lamest of the lame. fear not sam! as we always quote baba "the lame will all run free" just look at baba, she runs fast! and according to some, like an aunty. but we were talking about what we were gonna name our children during math [i'm sorry mr teh! we still love you!] and mary ann wanted to to name her dog lasagna. she insisted on naming practically every pet she wants to own after food. then we tried doing math and somehow came up with the mary an theorem. the mary ann theorem, also known as the monster ann/mango theorem, states that the mary ann is always equilvalent to the square root of all evil. hence mary ann also equates to money. the more money you have, the more power, thus greater responsibility and time. therefore,

mary ann
= evil
= money
= a lot of time and responsibility

and baba still likes her coffee club. thank you very much for the idea mr tan

"i can't believe i stole food from an ERP gantry" - sam. the erp being baba sitting on a table eating chips and her very long legs. and the unfortunate commuters being sam and me.

I AM GOING TO MISS IJ! i think i'll just die in jc. i'll miss ij so much i'll be crying myself to pulp everyday! there'll be stupid guys and we won't be able to complain about so many things anymore! but i need a change in environment. ij's been my home for going on 10 years! that's more than half my entire life span! [i feel young now(:] but i think the change and the whole exciting bit of something new will and can probably last at most half a year. after that i'll be all bitter that everything isn't like ij cause ij's so unique. this is why i love having those whiny, honest and sometimes paranoid conversations with arielene during out free periods. if i don't end up with her in jc i won't be able to do that anymore!!! we won't be able to panic with each other about ending up alone, or talk about how we want our children to turn out, what kind of guys we find absolutely annoying or even, okay, i won't continue, some of it is inappropriate material. haha. but ij girls will know la, we're so honest with each other. oh, just the thought of leaving 10 years of love, faith, joy, hopes and dreams, worries, trials and anger, it's a horrible thought. it's just so excruciatingly painful! all those conversations that sam and me had to squash on post-its so that we wouldn't be caught? all the crazy things baba and mang say? funny lessons with mr chan, mrs alex and mr tan's retarded stories and jokes? nonsensical conversations during recess?

this is the price we pay for the things we love. yet, we pay it so willingly who would believe there was even a price at all? none, not one, no, not till the pain settles snugly in our hearts and the longing stretches out before us vast, intimidating and plain like the desert sand.

2009-08-06T19:10:00.002+08:00

In politics if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.

Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.

To wear your heart on your sleeve isn't a very good plan; you should wear it inside, where it functions best.

You don't tell deliberate lies, but sometimes you have to be evasive.

I'm extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end.

I love argument, I love debate. I don't expect anyone just to sit there and agree with me, that's not their job.

We want a society where people are free to make choices, to make mistakes, to be generous and compassionate. This is what we mean by a moral society; not a society where the state is responsible for everything, and no one is responsible for the state.

-Margaret Thatcher

this woman rocks.

2009-07-26T00:13:00.003+08:00

eventful week?
yes, yes.

starting from....
last saturday! that's as far as i can remember currently.

Christ the King's Confi! aka, clara's confi.
she wore a dress, people! arielle and me just reached the church and we were walking up the stairs while all the confirmants were walking down. so we stood outside the room to wait to see her. (: worthwhile? yeah! saw marian hui too. gosh, haven't seen her in ages! jaime came too(: she was the one who told me about the confirmation(the day before). because somebody didn't want to tell me! haha. i ended up telling arielle about it the day itself at 530am.

Birthday dinner
after clara's confi, photo-taking and all... i went for my relatives' birthday dinner. i was late, so my dad had to come pick me up mid-way through the dinner. not really paiseh, just famished. i got to show of my Time magazine special commemorative edition for michael jackson(: it cost me 8 bucks and a kinder surprise as interest cause beatrice went to borders to buy it for me. heh.

omg, chaos.
when we got home some stupid things happened that gave us a shock. i'm still angry about it but will be nice and politcally correct and not mention it. huh.

the whole week was pretty slack in school. i don't remember anything memorable... accept everyone falling sick and OH! listening compre, yeah, how did i forget that? it was utterly boring, and i really tried my best to stay focussed! it take A LOT of effort for someone like me to focus. so i read had a really long nap when i got back home(: prison break is over. the ending was so sad! gah, how frustrating that he died. after all that?!

todayee, after church my family and me went to the guild club, or whatever it's called. my mom's a member but never goes. don't ask why, i don't know either. we ate japanese and guess what! after getting out of the car, while we were walking in, the sole of my sister's shoe fell off. this huge chunk! it always happens to her; when we went to new york, to her court shoes, in greece even! oh man, that was a lot of trouble. but it was quite hilarious all the same. the waitresses were wearing kimonos and it was the same one that hani wore on racial harmony day! even the big bow/ribbon thing was the same colour. we had trouble understanding our waitress' english. and everything was pretty expensive, not that great tasting either. i think we were paying for ambience... [raising an eyebrow] and i was still hungry after so we went to sicc at bukit and had dessert. i had apple crumble, it was more sugary than mom's. the crust was buttery. i think i liked my mom's better, but their's had raisins and a tinge of cinnamon.

watched pocahontas! disney gives you that happy feeling that you're a kid again. i love the racoon and hummingbird, even though the hummingbird is always abused. haha. they were adorable! now watching it, i realised the pocahontas looks kinda chinese, just that she has dark skin. my mother claims it's just the way it is. and that i've met red indians when we went to the grand canyon and they looked asian too. i remember the grand canyon and being terrified. that's honestly all i remember. haha. i prefer not the think about that. but all my tapes are mouldy so i can't watch most of them. even the michael jackson dangerous tour is mouldy. but i can still watch it, kinda. i neeeeeed to find that tape cleaning thing or i won't be able to watch all my disney classics!

okay, that last line tells me i need to sleep now.